i miss it.

today, i was feeling like a nomad, once again, not sure where to lay my head, feeling a little burdened and slightly confused... all i could do is shake my head, sigh, and say, "i miss it"
so, right now, the number 1 thing i miss, hands down, my apartment. i look around me and realize that i really have no place i call home, i have no place of peace and continual community. i try to build it, i try to put myself into places where i can have that, but it just never seems to fulfill.
honestly, even when surrounded by amazing friends i feel lonely. . .
yes, i get frustrated when i feel like i get the short end of the conversation... when i'm in a place where instead of deepening, i'm in a place of starting something from ground level.
Granted, i cannot complain, all things happen for a reason, and all i'm put in the places i'm put in because God put me there. But honestly, given the chance to minister to a new person, or to go deep with friends, hands down i'll choose the second. it wasn't so tonight. there was no chance of it. I went to Bible study to go deep, to invest and be invested in on a heart level. but it turned into an evening of questions with a new friend that's entered into a faith search. we connected just great, and i'm convinced that i was where God placed me tonight for a reason... even to the fact that i had an extra small Bible, and she didn't have a Bible, but now she does... PTL! (i now know i lost my Bible and found it at just the right time!)
I just can't get over how caught up in myself i am. how desperately i long for community, and unfortuantly, i want that more than to see a lost soul fall into the arms of Christ. why be frustrated? luke 15:10 talks about angels rejoicing when a lost sinner comes to God. yet i don't want the love that it takes to get them there, i just want to have God do the work, and i'l go off to the side and have feel good time with my friends?!? this cannot be.
anyways, back to the apartment, i really do miss it, i feel lost... i feel homeless...