trust.

what a huge word, as i reflect on what God's been teaching me, and even what i've seen Him doing in my friends lives, TRUST has been such a key word.
It's really all throughout scripture, how many times we're encouraged to simply trust.  the place we find strength (isa30:15) it's a place that's SAFE.  It's truly a joy. 
Trust, what is trust really.  I have a friend that mentioned that he's studying trust in psychology class today, and how he was just captured by the subject, i suppose i never really thought about trust from a "psychological" stand point... it's kinda been building inside of me, i suppose something i think about a bunch is how really do i express things... the depth of them, that sometimes i might not even understand, and cant' form the words... there's such a place, it's a place of glory, it's a place of freedom, it's a place where the truth is held to the highest priority.  I WANT TO LIVE THERE!  Trust, ruthless trust in the Lord with my whole heart, looks beyond circumstances and looks beyond my own heart.
that's all folks.  trust, simple whole hearted trust.
one step at a a time.

Shepard

today, i have spent and continue to spend time reflecting on, Hebrews 13:20-21

Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen.

As i reflect on my life and where i've been for the past several years, i'll quckly acknowledge that i've been looking for a shepherd.  i've mentioned it in several conversations and i've definately lived my life in such a way that shows that to be true... to a degree, it's a place i've tried to have PEOPLE tell me what to do do enter into "safety"... but really thinking about shepards, Jesus Himself proclaimed "I am the Good Shepard." (john 10)

so, this means there's a "bad sheperd", or at the least a not so good shepard... these are the counterfeits.  the ones that either we've allowed to be the shepard in our lives, or the ones that we've listened to and been manipulated into following.  "My sheep know my voice" . . .
i have come that they may have life abundant (10:10)... we had a discussion yesterday while playing 20 questions about "what is alive" someone chimed in anything with a soul, there were some discussion about that and about animals having souls, etc... remembering my science classes, i chimed in what about the you know "5 kingdoms" so i looked up what they are, and stuff, and i also decided to look up the definiation of life,

Life is a characteristic of organisms that exhibit certain biological processes such as chemical reactions or other events that results in a transformation. Living organisms are capable of growth and reproduction, some can communicate and many can adapt to their environment through changes originating internally (from wikipedia)

THAT RESULTS IN A TRANSFORMATION!  He Has come that we might be transformed...and really, noone else can do that.
maybe today i'll find a field of sheep and go hang out... well maybe not, but it wouldn't be the worst idea in the world...

music

tends to say the words i cannot.
Casting Crowns, Somewhere in the Middle.

listen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DveYBno-pmQ

or...
read:

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle,
caught in the middle

light a candle.

you know, i was thinking today about priests in the old testament, they came before God shrouded in incense.  a tangible sign of their entering into his presence.  today i decided that i'm gonna start lighting a candle as i come before Him for quiet times.  It's a simple gesture to put myself in a place of realizing I'm on Holy ground, hopefully it will stir a bit of discipline too... day one was pretty encouraging... i really don't want to rely on the "FEELING of accomplishment" that i spent time with God, but really on the contentedness that only He can bring... Ya, i think i might be "gettting it"

The reality

I was listening to a short teaching which reflected on the supremacy of Christ, and how we have no joy outside of what He gives us, and how we do not need anything that does not come from Him... and then i said it out loud...

God, I kinda believe it!

Now, to REALLY believe it...with my life.

do i try too hard?

his power is made perfect in my weakness.
i suppose this day, this easter day, i stop and i look around.
i think about the places i've been since last easter, i think about the lives that have touched me... the ones i've touched too.
i wonder what it looks like to invest in the cross yes, but more so to really live in the resurrection Life of Christ.
how is it at one moment i can be exceedingly proud and the next so broken. 
this only shows me that it's me trying to live from my own strength.


Psalm 119:32
-- I will run in the ways of your commandments when you enlarge my heart.

renewed.

tonight, was a good night, a night of expressing where i am and being gut honest with a good friend.  it was a night of celebration and joys and memories.
went to a bar to celebrate a friend's 21st.  and ran into a guy that "everybody knows" and he was welcoming and generally his friendly self.
afterward 3 of us sat down at a table.
i asked the question, "what does it look like to shine as a light in a dark place" we had a little discussion and a way to apply it quickly. 
a woman slightly drunk came to the table to be generally chatty. she was the freindly bar type, and asked a little about us and wished us a happy easter, someone piped in and asked if she knew the reason for easter... she got on her soap box and talked about how she was catholic, but still asked for the reason, she said she talked to God everyday.  but then goes and takes the Lord's name in vain and "gasps"
needless to say, i reak of cigarette, but it's well worth it for being able to have a friends speak such life into a desperate woman. 

pondering

thinking about the abilene paradox.
this modern parable can change your life and the way you are honest in relationships
i want to live this way.

in real life

I saw 1 Kings 19:11-12 in real life this morning.
a swift wind blowing the trees at 6:00
peeling thunder maybe at 6:45.
rain in a downpour maybe at 7:30

He wasn't i any of these places, except in His raw power.
He was in a stirring of remembrance.
"it is not for your sake i wil act, declares the Lord God; let that be known to you." -eze 36":32

hosanna

palm sunday, a day of emotion.
hosanna they shouted with a joyous proclamation.

from wikipeida...
"Hoshana" (הושענא) is a Hebrew word meaning please save or save now

Overall, it seems that, "Hosanna," is a cry for salvation, while at the same time is a declaration of praise. Therefore, it may be derived that this plea for help is out of an agreeably positive connotation.

 ---
today, with abandon we cried hosanna in worship.  i did not realize it was the depth of the cry of my heart.  how cool.
a lot is going on, i can't place fingers exactly on what is going on... but this i do konw, God will bring me to where i need to be, and He will be mighty to save.

i will

this is a powerful statement, i want to live in n i will attitude... ya, that'd be great!
its riddled throughout scripture... i will what we will do and what God will...

and for a moment.

the whole world felt right.
i'm quick to admit that i'm pretty quick to live on experience, emotion, but tonight it did... it was just right... seeing friends from around the world that have been in contact for months but now in real life to touch and love.  the kingdom is bigger than america.  there's such joy in unity.
i can't express what i feel right now, but lets go with a thankful heart.  this prepares the way for teh Lord, so come Lord, change and renew...
CREATE IN ME a clean heart, a clean heart that replaces the broken and dirty heart.  i can't "clean my heart" God has to CREATE a new heart.  and He's doing it. 
how cool.

ps:

i cleaned the inside of my car today...
step one. 
step two.
clean the inside of my heart.
good night.

all right here...

i need to start living this way again,
open more to the thoughts intents and feelings of others than my own. loving God more than loving me... this is where i've lost, it...

"Every heart has so much history
It's my favorite place to start
Sit down a while and share your narrative with me
I'm not afraid of who you are"

these 4 lines are from a song i heard this morning and it broke me to pieces...
and oh the chorus... exactly what i'm working through... time to LET GO OF THE CONTROL...

you know, the inside of my car typically correlates to the inside of my life...
-how's that for a peek into my life?

------
here's the song, if you have access to it, listen to it...

It's every loss and every love
It's every blessing from above
Here I am, all added up
Oh, it's all right here

It's what I know, and what I'm guessing
Half truths, and full confessions
It's why I choose to learn my lessons
Oh, it's all right here

(Chorus)
And I'm not God, I'm a girl - I confess
That I don't have a sea of forgetfulness
No, it's all right here
It makes me stronger, it makes me wince
Makes me think twice when I pick my friends
Oh, it's all right here
It's all right here

It's caution and curiosity
And it's all the things I never see
Welling up inside of me
Oh, it's all right here

It's what is best, and what is worse
It's how I see the universe
It's in every line and every verse
Oh, it's all right here

(Chorus)

Every heart has so much history
It's my favorite place to start
Sit down a while and share your narrative with me
I'm not afraid of who you are

I'm all here, and you're all there
Some of this is unique, and some of it we share
Add it up and start from there
Well, it's all right here

(Chorus)

It's caution and curiosity
It's all the things I never see
Oh it's all right
It's what is best, and what is worse
It's how I see the universe
Oh it's all right, it's all right here
I'm all right here