drug of choice?

I'll admit it, i have a strong addiction.  It's an addiction to travel.
anyone who's known me for any period of time and hasn't seen me for a while, first question will be, "got any trips planned?"
admittedly, i get a smirk when this question is asked. . . it's like "wow, they know me" but when i look deeper into the heart of the question, i can't hlep but wonder if i'm too much of a wanderer. . . like, is there really a place that i call home, or would i rather be THAT mobile?  I'm not sure. . . that's a big question. 
"in humility, consider others better than yourself" perhaps one of the most difficult passages in the Bible. . .
The travels, mostly to visit friends, or do ministry, i wonder how much of the heart of it is for them, and how much of the heart of it is for a pat on the back, you see, i don't really immerse myself in one place, outside of here, i really have found a comfortable place with comfortable friends, whom i love dearly . . . yet something continues to stir in the depth of me, is there something more. . . ?  and if there is, why am i missing out on it?
why is it that people ask about trips, and not about my core, not about my heart, am i engaging in those heart conversations to love those that need a friend, or am i just about fun & games anymore. . . don't get me wrong, there's a time and a season for all these things, but i just wonder how deeply i've strayed from whats #1.  truth of the matter is, it's possible that i haven't, but i have a complex that says i must have.

soaking it in... and doing something about it.

reflecting on a lunchtime conversation yesterday, i left really encouraged to go out there and do something! I suppose the biggest thing i left the talk with is the part of the church, are we are in church filling pews and listening to teaching, not DOING anything. The other night, in sharing with some kids we were talking about faith and how faith isn't genuine unless it's fleshed out, unless you're DOING something. [James 2:14] The church leadership, empowering not for the purpose of less "work" but for the purpose of multiplying.

When it comes to small groups, intimacy is one thing that does draw close, but again, the intimacy with others can only come when at the most foundational level, we have that spiritual bond... and to get that spiritual bond... it's about intimacy with God first. Asking what that looks like.

3 key, and SO simple questions. ( at least this is what i remember)
where am i?
where do i want to be?
how do i get there?

Another big thing we chatted about was what it looks like to soak in the presence of the Lord. To just be with Him. Because the opposite of doing that is creating some sort of formula... we all know relationships aren't a formula, the way i've built one friendship is totally different than another, as is the way i choose to maintain them. she used the example of her puppy. (as i sit here with a pup next to me, it seems quite pertinent) we've done a couple two things together today, went for a walk a now we sit on a couch both so chill. and it's those "couch times" that are the soaking times. we don't DO anything, it's just enjoying each other... i had a conversation last night about how you can sometimes have that on the phone too, but it's not near as good as when you're just TOGETHER with a friend or loved one (or puppy!) and now, come together the thoughts...

so, sometimes, it feels like that relationship with God is really the phone sort of relationship, the one where you know he's on the other line, but it is not quite the same as being held or being able to see him... but the importance of those times of silence. silence being a true test of relationship and contentedness. so, this said, i asked, what do those times look like, and you know what i had it this morning PTL, it wasn't long, but really, i spent a few moments just sitting on the couch, eyes closed arms wide open just waiting. it wasn't a feeling or an emotion, it was simply a confidence that he was near...

Sometimes we just need a kick start, you know i have a scooter that the battery is dead dead dead, but the thing still works.. it's a kick start, a last resort when the things that normally work, don't. It's time to do something friends, being spiritually fat and lazy, well it only leads to fruitlessness.

So much more to say, but not now.

snooze day 2.

well, it's going well, PTL.  I honestly didn't think i would be able to do it.  snooze has become so engraved  into my life that the sloth literally might be considered an idol.  i'm not quite sure on that but i think thats accurate.  i  tried to go for a bike ride yesterday and found a road by accident that was about .7 miles at a pretty steep grade uphill.  after a VERY short time, i gave in and started walking up the hill.  .  .  well, i didn't know how big this hill was, and decided to go till the tippy top.  i got there, and realized i hadn't biked much, so i decided to go until a cross street.  i got pretty weary (ya, i'm out of shape!) so as i continued, i just wanted to give up, turn around and coast down the hill... then i heard a still small voice, "are you a quitter, or a presser-on-er?"  WOAH!  talk about revelation.  we need to be presser-on-ers moving ahead even when we don't feel like it, i made it to the end of the road, down the hill and i almost wanted to give up AGAIN on my journey back to the house, but perservering, and exhorting myself, i pressed on. 
they say, first in the natural, then in the Spirit, this is what i strive for and what i hope to attain throughout my life. . . its a journey of valleys and mountains folks.
i find myself living somewhere inbetween at the moment.  not sure if i'm headed up or down, but the one thing i do konw is i must keep moving pressing on toward the higher calling, realizing that  to be exalted i must be humbled.

lent.

it is a season upon us once again. 
so many thoughts of things to "give up" or possibly to build into our lives.  Tradition.  I accidentally stumbled into a catholic service this past sunday, and the priest was sharing about lent.  he mentioned that the importance of the season is to really die to self.  to die to sin, that Christ may live in us (how solid!) he really shared more on sin than i have heard from any pulpit i've heard recently.  it was refreshing.  (however, there were still little misnomers)... as i continue to reflect on what it looks like to turn from sin, it's really a hard hard lesson.  i'm realizing that it's not even something i can choose to do on my own strength, His grace alone is sufficient.  (And i'm glad it is!) So, what does lent look like?  does it look like giving up facebook, chocolate, fried food, or going to bed late... beer, cigarettes, or my ultimate drug (chipotle! he he he) ...  (all things i've heard or done).
this year, i think it's something different (for me at least) it's really what that preist said, RIDDING SELF OF SIN THAT GOD'S GLORY MIGHT COME FORWARD.  so sin, what sin?  for me, lets start out with the first one i commit nearly every day.  Laziness. . . blatant laziness. this happens in the first few seconds of my day. 
SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes]
okay okay you get the picture... i'm not exaggerating that much about the first hour of my day.  Throughout the Bible the Lord asks for the firstfruits.  the very best of our labor.  The most important part of our heart. 
Starting out a day lazy does several things: puts self above God, encourages careless behavior, puts you in a position of idleness, lets other priorities slip, or perhaps these are just some of the fuits in my own life. 
so folks, this year for lent, i'm going to surrender my snooze button.  initally this will probably look like setting my alarm an hour later.  but my hope is that it builds a discipline in me that honors God with the begining of my day, and helps me to fulfill the goals that i set aside for each day.

happy faschnaut day, aka, the last day waking with my dear friend, snooze.

better than expected?

i decided to set the day aside to be spontaneous and serve as much as i could.  it turned out, much better than i expected. PTL.  seriously, PTL!
family time, both immediate and extended, helping a friend make cupcakes and do some computer stuff, photos at a couples banquet, dinner @ chipotle!!  and then a hot tub in the snow under the stars discussing sharing faith stories and striving to spur one another on... watching the stars slowly unfold from a cloudy night and prayin that my heart would open in the same way. 
isa. 49.
rings true again and again.

happy valentines day...

okay, so trying not to be bitter, here goes nothing.  .  .
i don't look forward to tomorrow. . . i know it's just another day, but is it really?
society tells us it's a day for "love" a day for special memories and a day to show others how much you care about them. 
i live in a very self-centered world.  when we're gut honest, we all do.  and to be gut honest again, i plan on valentines day being awful.  some part of myself wants to send some really hurtful e-mails to certain individuals, but i'm not going to, it's not worth it . . . at the same time, when i look in my heart realizing that those thoughts are still swirling in my mind, i wonder if i ever really let go.  i wonder what that forgiveness looks like.  a year to the day was pretty darn hurtful.  leading me in a self-conscious downward spiral.  and i sit hear fearing that the same thing will happen again, that those i count as dear friends will desert me because they see parts of the real me. sure, i know this isn't alright but i tell myself it is.  this attitude that clings to the past for the sake of self.  are these the reasong that i continue in this lonly state.... full of comparing myself to another.  i surround my self with people i admire in hopes that they'll rub off on me, yet when i feel things take even the slightest away from me in relationship, i shrink back to avoid any hurt . . . it's easier to be surfacy than to bare yourself. 
i need to rest now.

t.s. elliot

And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
- T.S. Eliot

what a deep thought, one that i muddle around in my mind all the time... really, when our lives are over, we return to the Father, where we came from, but with no recollection of that time, it really stirs wonder in me that says "what was it like" or what was my 'existence' before i 'existed' a question that can leave you running circles in your head for hours upon hours.... and now i go to bed wondering the same thing... and praying for truth...

steadfastness.

this has got to be one thing that i LONG for.  you know, to really be steadfast, to not lose sight of what matters and to hear "well done good and faithful servant"...
i've spent some time wrestling with the will of God and the moral will vs. the practical will and how we can know that we know that it is God's will. 
the phrase "will of God" is seldom used throughout scripture, and mostly it's Paul saying he's _____ by the will of God.  we know it's God's will to be sanctified, thankful, servants of Christ, putting to silence ignorant people, and to abstain from sexual immorality. 
at the same time Christ came to do His Father's will, only doing what He saw done first.  what would it look like if i lived that way.
you know, love wins.
i sat in a car yesterday with a conversation about why i had it on the inside of my car instead of the outside, becuase it's really more  a message to me than to those around me, if i don't live in a way that is constantly loving, how can i expect and ask others to... this is the way Christ lived, and the only way we can be expected to live in the same way, He did it first.
some random thoughts, but really, i do want to be counted as steadfast...

"lauren's getting married"

ok... SO...
WHATEVER YOU DO, do not, i repeat DO NOT, answer the telephone when a member of the opposite sex calls in a room full of 4th grade girls, no matter who it is.... Yes, you've got it, they asked "is it a boy" i said, why yes, "oh oh oh pick it up, is he cute... do you like him... " ooh me oh my!!!
i listened to ECHOS of "lauren's getting married" for the rest of the evening... not the wisest move . . . but the girls had fun with it...

real thoughts on much more important matters come later, but this did humor me...

through Him who strengthens me...

spent a good conversation with a friend today... it was so encouraging, to remember that i can't do this, there is not a way in my being that i can become the woman that i want to... utterly, completely impossible. i have all these grandiose dreams and they're all talk, never any action. one thing this day and then the next its completely different...it leaves me fearful. it really does. If God is REALLY in control, then what does this all mean? well it means several things... that all my efforts are of no effect. at the same time, the biggest thing is God brings things in our path, and it's our choice how to react to them, i can look at circumstances and get down and respond negatively, or i can look at these circumstances and realize how much i've been given, and how much i've failed as well, it is quite a lot, believe it or not... to another friend i made a quick comment that it's always beautiful before the storm. . . she asked why i made that comment, and i kinda brushed it off to the side, perhaps because i didn't want to get into it at the moment, but i guess everytime my life feels at peace, is when something is about to happen. it's true... so very true... and i guess right now i'm in a relational nice-ness and it really leaves me feeling like a storm is brewing, it always seems to be that way. i guess at the moment, the biggest question is, will i let Him speak to the wind and the waves and calm the storm in me?

next time...

didn't leave you hanging too long there... did i?
well needless to say, i survived doing nothing, slept... a lot! and didn't get too lonely/bored somehow. Spent some time dreaming, some time in the Word, some time praying, and some time yes, knitting, what a shame that today i had to take it all out and start over, because i left a hole in like the 3rd row.. such is life... so many parallels from this knitting thing.
at one point i totally felt like a grandma, as i was sitting in a rocking chair, with a blanket over my lap, watching a movie and knitting.. LOL!!!! can you picture it?!?!
Today, i drove by the apartment and realized someone else lives there, someone else is now building memories there, and as i look back at the key i still have to open the door, i realize it will never be open to me again.
all this continues to set my head a spinning. . . and i suppose what makes it worse is when i realize that there are problems so big in the world, so much bigger than anything i am a part of and my eyes and my focus is namely on myself, and my short-comings rather than the places where i can be a change for others. . .
perhaps it's that late at night thing... maybe a little bit of self-pity, "we all wanna be loved", ain't that the truth?