happy valentines day...

okay, so trying not to be bitter, here goes nothing.  .  .
i don't look forward to tomorrow. . . i know it's just another day, but is it really?
society tells us it's a day for "love" a day for special memories and a day to show others how much you care about them. 
i live in a very self-centered world.  when we're gut honest, we all do.  and to be gut honest again, i plan on valentines day being awful.  some part of myself wants to send some really hurtful e-mails to certain individuals, but i'm not going to, it's not worth it . . . at the same time, when i look in my heart realizing that those thoughts are still swirling in my mind, i wonder if i ever really let go.  i wonder what that forgiveness looks like.  a year to the day was pretty darn hurtful.  leading me in a self-conscious downward spiral.  and i sit hear fearing that the same thing will happen again, that those i count as dear friends will desert me because they see parts of the real me. sure, i know this isn't alright but i tell myself it is.  this attitude that clings to the past for the sake of self.  are these the reasong that i continue in this lonly state.... full of comparing myself to another.  i surround my self with people i admire in hopes that they'll rub off on me, yet when i feel things take even the slightest away from me in relationship, i shrink back to avoid any hurt . . . it's easier to be surfacy than to bare yourself. 
i need to rest now.