the go to.

community is a fascinating aspect of life.  some part of me would admit to making it an obsession in my life.  most of the time it's for a noble purpose, but every once in a while, i wonder if i build community to find a "go to" mickey has minnie.  harry has sally.  wilma has fred. lucy has ricky.  I have _______ well sometimes it feels like i have no one.  

I spend a lot of my time around people  that have their go to. .. and here i sit musing... is there really a go to in this world?  is there really that one... the phantom of my heart says i he's out there.  but the reality of my situation screams (sometimes with anger at other moments in peace), be content. 
As It is time to make decisions, alas it always is.  Maybe the solution is to stop looking for the go to... the truth is no one on earth will ever totally fulfill that role... it's a heavenly void.

memories...

i spent some time tonight with some old friends.  ones that i haven't seen in a while, but used to spend every waking moment with.  Again i come to the point and ask myself why have i changed... or have they changed?  

I have a friend that often times would use the line "you've been replaced" when she felt a season in friendship was done, it was such a harsh line and i didn't quite know how to handle it at the time, the truth is i still don't... 

i still wonder if i know how to maintain long term relationships.  i suppose i'm seeing more and more the need for them to be two-way, and my fear is honestly that i'm not really on the receiving end all that often...sometimes i suppose i just want to throw in the towel and say "you contact me".  but if i don't pursue friendships, then i honestly don't think i wouldn't have any.  it's such a viscous and selfish cycle really...

seasons change i'm not afraid of that... but at a raw level, i am afraid of being alone.

happy new year

you know what that means?  

a lot of writing, reflecting and looking forward, joys, pains, and celebrations.  last year ended with a celebration.  and now who knows what is on the blank page ahead.  yet, in all of this i wonder, why don't we live with a blank page everyday... 

such joy awaits us...