a day to do nothing.

a sabbath of sorts, really a day to relax, to spend on God, and not be so concerned with "work" or spending heaps of time with people. genuinely a day to spend myself on loving God. to reinforce old disciplines, and maybe learn a new hobby (do i hear knitting needles clinking?) now, i will rest a real picture of the way i've viewed life as of late, stay up as late as possible maintain relationships at all costs, and always, always always be the last to leave... and sometimes the first to come too! today my hope is for things to be different, to be diligent in study, fervent in prayer and to take a deep look at where i am and where my passions lie...
until next time...

blogging with one less finger.

OK, so its not as bad as it sounds, but i am needing to readjust my typing skills... today, i decided to wake up early and go to work so i could leave early and go to new york for the majority of the day, needless to say, i didn't get enough sleep... i decided to eat a bagel for breakfast, and as i sliced it in half, i also sliced open the top of my finger... well, lets be honest, i cut off a chunk of my finger tip... it bled for about 2 hours before i went to the hospital to get it cauterized... PTL that stopped the bleeding!!! but man does it hurt.
lesson learned?
don't handle sharp objects with not enough sleep. exhibit self control and wise planning skills, and keep a sense of humor, i was blessed by a friend who when i told her about my situation, responded, "i'll pray for your figure"... needless to say she ment finger, but totally left me laughing more than i have in a while :)
now, the healing process starts, i have a feeling, this will hurt for a LONG time...

and so the story goes...

often times, it is easy to over look sin in our lives. i suppose this comes when i'm comfortable with life the way it is. there's need to honor and fear God. the most important thing we can continue to do in our life is to repent. to continually turn back to God. Even when the loom of doubt is great, and when we feel there's nothing else to gain. could this attitude that we don't want to repent... of course we're the best and we've got it all together, don't come after me, because if you do, you'll be in trouble, don't you dare question what i'm doing, or the way i'm trying my hardest to live...could this be sloth and pride?
seeing others and wanting what they have when it's not our lot in life, when we have been given the gifts that God wants us to use, and we complain that what we don't have isn't good enoug.. envy and lust?
and oh, spiritual gluttony, taking taking taking, and never ever not even for a half a second giving. how often am i guilty of this? where are the opprotunities i am over looking and how can i be selfless in that giving.
and anger.does not take much, to really be slow to anger and quick to love, this would be truly overcoming for me. rather than focusing on my self or my inconveniences, letting love cover a multitude of sins. . . what a glory, what a testimony, what a lofty goal, something that can only be accomplished through humility...

moving on out...

the freedom, i feel it taken away. . . i'm not sure if its a good thing or not i'm sure there is a lesson to be learned here, maybe about independence and dependence... i've brought an air mattress into my apartment for old times sake... one more week i can have here, and i think i might just live it out... i didn't realize how much i missed having a "home" a place to call mine.  i know i cannot afford it on my own, i know another woman is moving in here in 8 days, but some part of me doesn't want to let go.  so i sleep on a borrowed green mattress in a sleeping bag and a caseless pillow... a room full of boxes and perfectly patched walls.  i feel like a visitor in my own "home"
i wonder what it would look like to have a home, this place REALLY was home... its been well over 2 years... two different roommates, many many friends.  memories that were built and changed my life... and now, the wwalls are bare, its not home, its an empty shell... it's not the same, no it will never be the same.  . . i know this.  it's been too easy to just let the time slide, i haven't slept here in more than a month, and its not until i lay here that its really hit.  things are changing and i don't know that i'm ready for this, until now its all been a hypothetical, a packing up, but never alone.  now, as i sit here alone, and it's completely different...i suppose it always is that way.

church thoughts...

you know, i've really had a hard time adjusting to church situations in the past couple years, several times, i will admit that i've been close to just about giving up on the thought of going to church, and just living in community with friends seemed to be a better solution than finding a body to call home... but you know what, i miss it...
today, i decided to give God almost an ultimatum.  like, this is my last week here unless i see you move... (ya, maybe a wrong attitude i will admit) but at the same time... i also prayed that God would give me a right heart to make the choice to see the good.  and i went in there, and you know what... I SAW THE GOOD.  I left encouraged and challenged.  I left taking something home... thinking about John the Baptist and the importance of repentance! THE EXACT THING SO MUCH ON MY HEART! then i went to the evening service with the same attitude... and oh man, bueess, what ... SAME THING, another issue that presses on my heart so often, and i left convicted and ready to do something...
friends, be sure your heart is submissive.  when mine is focused on God, no matter the circumstance things are 'better' or at least have a better outlook and perspective...

take it captive...

Last night, we spent time talking about temptation and taking our thoughts captive... so, its a daily CHOICE we need to make... today i will chose to

take captive the thought that i can trust in my own strength...and replace that haunting thought with a trust in God through all circumstances, easy to say, difficult to live.

Here is truth from Jeremiah 17:5-10 that brought that on.

Thus says the Lord: Cursed is the man who makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord.

He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord.

He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and it is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?

I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give to every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.

An Adventure in denver...

often times we weep over the circumstances in our lives, i however for a moment, wept over my heart and not what happened.  The utter selfishness that resides in me. and the judgment of imperfect human beings, the truth is... we're all imperfect human beings...

This is my second mishap with the Denver international airport.  both times trying to get to philadelphia. . . I think some part of me just wants to go home.  but i don't know where home is... i suppose the only home we will ever have is with the Lord.  But where on earth do i belong?  is it here... in Denver, how did i end up here tonight?!  Such an oddity.  Really.  I'm blessed to have a second home here.  I'm blessed with "family" and friends...

Its inconsistencies in the law... both times.  based on past experience that does it....  You know, "knowing" the right thing, but not DOING it... faithfully, completely.  this is where i am.  I'm such a half hearted, person perhaps.  Caught in my transgression.  They almost called the cops... called the cops!  Because i stood for what i had experienced even 4 hours before as okay... What a half truth.  what a post modern, what's okay for you is what's okay for you and i'll read the law the way i want to...

really, i'm wondering, how often do i live in the letter of the law, the letter that i read the way to please me, rather than the spirit of the law.  it's really the spirit of the law that is more rigid.  more convicting, and deeper. 

So, I got on the plane in Montana today with 3 bags : a camera case, a laptop bag, and a backpack.  when i got to denver, i ate lunch and then waited for my flight.  i was on the phone with a friend, and mildly distracted throughout the boarding process.  i hand the woman my ticket and she says, "you're going to need to check one of those bags" I said, "well, i've carried these on for several flights, including one today, and it's my impression that the baggage regulation allows me to bring a bag of photographic equipment, a laptop, as well as a personal item. and this is what i have done."  needless to say, she didn't like that and asked me to either check or consolidate, and since consolidation wasn't an option she began to fill out a check form.  I asked if she was serious, because i did not want to check my equipment.  she said "yes" i said that i wanted to see the baggage policy... she called some rude manage man over who printed out the policy and pointed out where i was "wrong", the problem is the way it is worded is so vague and poorly written that it can be read either way, i said again "i carried this on for the rest of my trip" she says "well, its a $20,000 fine if i let you carry on that bag and i'm not going to lose my job over it." then the man goes "you have two options, check the bag or stay here in denver" i said "well, i really don't want to check this bag" he got more threatening and intimidating... i asked my self (and my friend if it was worth fighting, the response was no).  but i was already pretty deep into it, i threw in the towel, and along with the towel, was my backpack which i lobbed over the little divider to say, "fine, check it" and apparently, the dude thought i threw it at him.  and he took the authority to revoke my ticket, cancel it, and tell me i was not going home tonight, and certainly not on his airline.  and then, he mentioned, that for that matter, i'd never be able to fly united again...  yes, folks, that's essentially black listed...

it was about the time i threw in the towel/bag that i began to change my heart.  to make the choice to change.  and i suppose it was too late to reap the consequences of the repentance.  for i got the consequences of my actions.  there i was, stuck.  realizing that i have one advocate in heaven.  but alas, maybe i had an advocate on earth too... i called my travel agent, and she tried everything in her power, but she said it was too much, nothing that can be done about the ticket.  around this time i really started to panic... i apologized to the guy and asked if there was anything that could be done, that i was tired and frustrated and just wanted to go home, he basically shrugged his shoulders again, said "not on my airline" and said that if i didn't leave he was going to call the cops.  the travel agent suggested trying to go back one more time, so i did, he basically said "not you again, go away, you have 30 seconds before i call the cops" ... went to customer service 20 minutes later and calmly shared my story the guy was like, ya i know it's documented here... the cops were out looking for you...  i understand if i can't go home on this ticket, or on your airline, i made a mistake and am willing to pay for that, but i'd really like to be able to fly with you again, at least in like a month... his response was, "don't worry you'll be fine in a month, we'll take care of it now" ...

i then spent a few minutes calling around to find a ride and a place to spend the night . . .

the agent had done some searching for flights in the morning and was finding $300+ for one ways home.  praise the Lord, i found a $111 flight on southwest.  what a God send.  so basically i have a $111 night here in denver.   3 conversations for $111 with some amazing friends, and a chance to eat a burrito too... $111 to see grace and love, but justice at the same time.  I didn't get a free ride.  but i am very blessed to not pay the full cost the guy thought he was punishing me with.  my hope is to be obedient with this spontaneous time and flight to follow the Spirit's lead.

i just wanted to go home... i wonder, maybe, i found it here by accident...ya, home in denver, but really home in a Father's chastisement, and care..

my heart aches at this selfishness and anger.  and the bad fruit it brought today.  trying to bend the rules just a little more to my liking.  may my eyes and heart be tuned to righteousness...

Lord, have mercy.

an orthodox priest and his wife...

so tonight at the rehearsal dinner, i sat down to a table with an orthodox priest and his wife.  fascinating opportunity based on my last post.  We had a fantastic conversation about confession and repentance.

I asked him about confession, and why he believes its so important, and he asked me who i have to confess to.  i told him first i confess to God, then i have a couple close friends and some mature people i'll talk to if i feel i need to get it off my chest more... and i then asked where he is able to confess, his wife perked up and goes "excellent question!" he shared how there are other priests that he's able to go to, i asked if there was ever a time where the confessor and the one being confessed to would share mutually, he mentioned that it happens on rare occasions, but part of their belief is to have a father figure to confess to so switching roles is quite difficult. 

i then shared about my frustration in the protestant church where there isn't really repentance preached, but rather its all grace.  there's not really a fear of God.  as i sat in the vespers service this evening, and the chants "lord have mercy, have mercy, have mercy, have mercy" kept ringing in my ears, that God is a God of justice, and vengance, but also of mercy, a God of grace when we open to that, and when we really, repent, when we have a change of mind and follow His way. 

We then continued to talk about what it really is to daily die to self, to live to Christ, it was so wonderful hearing coming from a priest, the one that i typically look to as quite religious, or not really on the right page, but seeing that he struggles too, he pursues God too, and that it's an uphill battle for all of us.  We chatted a bit about how its a daily choice to pick up our cross and how we need to really choose to live a life that is above sin.  The christian life, is not a single plateau but rather a journey of ups and downs that hopefully continue to draw us to higher places with God.  Repentance is not an act but an action.  its a verb, its continual.  if we're not growing, then we're not changing.

Christ stands at the door and knocks, what a sad choice we make when we don't let him in...

confession.

last night, at a point in conversation a new friend mentioned how she really "felt" for protestants (she's orthodox) because she realizes how much has been lost the art of confession...

James makes it VERY blatant that we MUST confess our sins, one to another that we may be healed.  this is something that the catholic/orthodox church really has a leg up on... there is a true time of confession... yet at the same time, they dont' really practice it as a one to another... its one to a priest.  who does the priest go to? hmmm... i think there's a special relationship when you can be so open with each other and love, truly love through the deep faults...

at one point she said, speaking these things to your pillow just doesn't cut it, and i totally resound with that, first our confession of sin and repentance MUST go to God, but then, there is such power of accountability found in community.  confession has been the word of the day for me really.  just really being me with God.  setting aside that time once again, and confessing my own lack of zeal, lead me to begin to discipline, and really desire Him.  laying my heart bare before Him before i can lay it bare to another, and at the same time, being the most me, whatever that looks like...

Thankfully, He's at work, even when i don't see it...

Luke 8

"return to your home, and declare how much God has done for you." (luke 8:39)
yes, that's red letters friends.
Jesus had just set a CRAZY man free of many many demons. the pigs jumped off a cliff, and he didn't need to be bothered by the pestering spirits any longer. Now, the man was healed, in his right mind, just "normal"... This man BEGGED that he might remain with Jesus. but, Jesus's response, so anti-typical of the way we would expect... it was "GO!", then the man "went away, proclaiming throughout the whole city how much Jesus had done for him" (40)
WOW! What a different take. I suppose the way i've tended to look at our relationship with Christ is that we're to spend all this time, remaining with Him, afterall, aren't we called in John 15 to Abide?! YES, YES, and YES! but if we're just abiding, then we're not being the fruit that we're called to be to help nourish and feed those that are in need.
so GO, Go gO! get outta here, return to your home, return to where you came from, and let it be known just how much God has done for you...
i bet its more than you or i would realize...

airplane thoughts...

flying over montana, i had just woken from my nap, to find myself knees on the ground, face in the toilet sick... here is what was going through my mind...

as i look at the earth, blanketed in snow,
covered with white for as far as the eye can see,
i hear the stillness say, behold i make all things new.

as i  look in my heart,
seeing the undigested,
the uncared for, and searching for the unburdened.
i hear the stillness say, behold i make all things new.

its really the signs of the heart, in the natural and in the spirit. for most of today i just felt awful, very tired and very laxodasical.  i felt in the pit of my stomach and the back of my throat that i just needed to let it go, and maybe that would fix everything. 
was it something i ate?  i'm not sure... a way i've been treating my body, maybe so.. but the truth of the matter is, once i knew it was time to come up, and i put myself in a  place where it could, i came out feeling better. 
how often does our soul feel that way, when we know we need to let something out, let go of something, but we hold it in hold it in for fear of embarrassment, or a lack of any good thing... but when he time comes and we let it go... we're made back into that whole new person. 
PTL

continuing reflections...

16 These are the things that you shall do: Speak the truth to one another; render in your gates judgments that are true and make for peace; 17 do not devise evil in your hearts against one another, and love no false oath, for all these things I hate, declares the Lord." - Zechariah 8:16-17
these verses came to me this morning, as such an encouraging thing.  and a way for me really to have a proper mindset.  really such a promise and direct word, how often are we crying out ... "God, what are you doing?!" when really the answer is right in front of us in the Word, this was the place i was this morning.  and PTL, he answered me!  He heard my cry, and really spoke, even when i doubt, it must come to where i rely so heavily on Him that i will only be found in Him.
"every time i find healing, you're making a new mess" these lyrics echo in my soul. . .
and the saddest moment of the day was when i was humble, only to find that what i felt was an opportunity for reconciliation really only lead to a hardness of heart.  how is it that hearts get so hard and so dull that pain just bounces off like a marble on a stone table top... it's impenetrable and there is nothing that can really be done to soften it.  i feel that is the soil that my words landed on today.  there were glimpses, yes, real glimpses of friendship on  a very basic level... i can't get over reading the text that said "it's time to move on"  maybe that was about me, maybe it was not, but regardless, it is what i read.  The wonder of it is i really did, speak truth, and render true judgment, and strove for peace.  Thankful that it was laid before me prior to starting a conversation.  I did what i needed, perhaps this one doesn't hold much water at the moment, i suppose i didn't really expect it to.  but hoped that it would.  remain in Him, and continually abide.  then all these things don't matter and we'll sow and reap peace because it will be the natural fruit of our lives...
 

Sometimes its those difficult times that really force us to examine what matters, and who matters in our lives...

What a true statement, what a deep thought. Lately, it's really been a lot of reconciliation put oon by "random" experiences. and i'm honestly very thankful for this.
I had breakfast with an old friend i hadn't seen for a couple years this morning, what was strange was i expected it to be a little awkward, but it really wasn't. Somehow, it was like the past was behind, and all that mattered was the moment we were living together. we've both traveled through a lot since we had seen each other last, since we've at least shared our hearts. it's really beautiful to see God change a heart. (mine & hers too!)
We had great discussion about liberalism, cultural awareness, homosexuality in the church, tolerance, drawing lines of righteous judgment, vision for her future, college, relationships, and ultimately forgiveness and reconciliation.
you see, i used to spend a lot of time deeply concerned about how people viewed me after i endured through a difficult church situation, and throughout the past couple months, i've really been having a heart check, like, where has my focus been, has it really been on loving, or has it been on dividing?! Over and over again, i adamantly proclaim how much LOATHE division, and am disgusted by places of hatred. yet at the same time i have been used as a tool to create the division to a degree.
At one point, i was asked "why me" "why am i safe" and my simple response was, i'm convinced that i know which relationships hold water, and this is truth, to me at least. and these are the ones that i'm going to focus on restoring, or at least bringing a sense of peace to. there is so much to say, and i only have so many words. talkin about change and growth, and the attitude behind words, how with one little slip of the tongue, something meant to be an encouragement, MIGHT just come across very manipulatively. but it not being the case or the real heart of the matter afterall. its a little confusing to live here, but in the end i belive it will turn out for the good of those that love God. We spent some time discussing what it looks like for someone who has left a church to hold relationships, and i began to think about the times i might have failed. the Spirit was doing all the work in my heart, it was nothing that she said or could conjure up.
I began once again to think about the book of Philemon, and how Paul was used to reconclie Onesimus with the church, to those that he had hurt, and Paul was in a relational position with the church and Onesimus to be in that place... I've been told over and over that i have a gift of healing, and this is something that i want to exhibit.
sara groves has a song called "tornado"

And every time I find healing you're making a new mess,
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness.
And I could move and never send you a forwarding address,
Or I could learn the real meaning of forgiveness.

i can see this in my life, in order to "clean the bedroom" typically, it gets WAY worse than the original "mess" to get the deepst part of it clean, so it is in our lives. everytime we get to a deeper part, things will get messy again. sometimes i wonder if this is all worth it, what if i work though all this, only to be broken some more in the end... and all i can come to is the fact that i've been forgiven much. and it's my joy to forgive just as i have been forgiven.
Again, there are times when i focus too much on the immediate. there are times when i've lost sight of the truth and what really matters. but the depth is that i need to move past it. and let God be in control, because he is whether we let him be or not...

i'm thinking as time goes along, possibly finally getting up the guts to talk to the church's leadership about what i see as wrong... and i want so desperately to see them pulled from stumbling...i remnded myself again, that we are humans, our nature encourages individuality in perhaps an unbiblical way. all in all, i coudl write much longer on my thoughts of the day and chat, but i thin it needs to bebrought to God again.
now, in a few hours, i have nother chat, more nervous, more humility, but more grace i pray. Sunday it is the same, during my quiet time, i felt that i really needed to contact someone and at that very moment, and it really was a God thing, this woman is moving across the country in 2 days, and was willing to share some of her last day in the area with me PTL. the timing and listening to the Spirit. its a lot of humility and work, but His tenderness is great. and the way He leads, is everlasting.

2009...

Last year, i set out very specific goals, and this year i have not yet, perhaps it's better that way? I do know that the goal setting session i had last year was excellent and really helped me to focus throughout the year. at the same time, i wonder what it looks like to live in a way where there aren't those posted goals on the wall or note book, but rather in my heart. goals and ways to strive toward righteousness in a very real way.
its really fun to dream and to dream big, i'm rediscovering what it is to look beyond where i am at the moment to where things could be. and MAYBE, just maybe, it's not so much setting the big goals to get there, but living in the daily discipline.
i went for a hike today. staring at the castle of frozen icicles on a rocky face reflected on a semi frozen body of water felt like maybe i was staring into the reality of my soul. something so beautiful, even in a half dazed state, yet at the same time, just longing to be thawed out, free to be the way it's supposed to be. . . there's a lot of change opportunity and a lot of exciting things for this year, the question is can i be the one to be obedient and open. ready for all that comes my way, and embracing change.
oh how i hate change... but at the same time, i secretly love it .