less like scars. more like character.

today i was given a new CD by a friend, she said after a few minutes of conversation that this song really speaks to where i'm at... and i cannot say with any more resounding yesses, that it really does... here's the first song...
Less Like Scars by Sara Groves
copyright 2004 Mantle Music and Northern Heart Media

It's been a hard year/But I'm climbing out of the rubble/ These lessons are hard/ Healing changes are subtle

But every day it's Less like tearing, more like building /Less like captive, more like willing/ Less like breakdown, more like surrender/ Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here/And you're picking up the pieces /Forever faithful/It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation /But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt/ Look less like scars and more like Character
Less like a prison, more like my room /It's less like a casket, more like a womb /Less like dying, more like transcending /Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here /And you're picking up the pieces /Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation /But you are able /And in your hands the pain and hurt/ Look less like scars

Just a little while ago /I couldn't feel the power or the hope/ I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing /Just a little while back I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come /And I need you /And I want you here /And I feel you And I know you're here /And you're picking up the pieces /Forever faithful

It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation /But you are able /And in your hands /the pain and hurt /Look less like scars (x3) /And more like Character

---

i heard this song for the first time this afternoon, it really spoke my heart. every last word. read the lyrics to... the words continue to bring a tear as i realize the truth of them, in my live this year of 2008. it's been a year. a hard one, but REALLY looking back, i wouldn't trade a single moment of the difficulty for the character it's built in me. PTL!

i've got a date with the rest of this CD... If you ever get a chance... give it a spin!

for rent...

The words haunt me, almost feeling like a white flag of surrender . . . its final . . .

I knew it was inevitable, and i knew the day was coming soon. yet, i'm not sure how it still stings. just a little bit you know? Maybe more than a little bit... Things are not the same, they never will be. I know it was a season, and a season that i must move on from at that... but somehow, this feels like a step backwards, like moving out is moving back. . . not that it is in reality, it might be taking a step back to reconsider, isn't this something that we do all the time? sometimes it takes a change in scenery to realize where we are. A change in scenery, a time to prepare for the next steps... whatever that may be. maybe it's the kick in the pants that i need. or maybe it's an utter disgrace to what lose i felt was a great thing... a community, a place to be hospitable, a relationship with neighbors, and a comfort. is that the dangerous word? comfort. if i'm comfortable, why would i want to move on. its a dangerous place to be. . . maybe the reasoning behind why i am where i am today, maybe why i lost it...

In a discussion about family this evening, and again what it means to honor your parents even when you might not completely agree with them, i left wondering what authority and submission look like, wondering what it means to work through issues, to really work through them, not just out of anger or frustration, but really to take a step back, "incarnate" with someone else and just have a transparent heart. and maybe i wonder if this is something i've ever really experienced in a day in and day out... it comes to the question of faithfulness and value. where my values are placed, and are they in a proper place... yes, authority and submission, i have a feeling this is something i'll be exploring a lot more closely these days...

one of my favorite photographers is also a thoughtful guy, this was on his blog...
"So as we get ready for the new year let's commit to letting go of the things we can't control and taking control of the things we can." -david jay.

Amen.

if the Lord wills

what would it look like to REALLY live with this attitude in mind, i mean from the deepest part of our hearts. Jesus did what He saw the Father doing, i wonder if we lived that way, how differently would or lives appear, on the outside... but maybe more importantly on the inside.
If the Lord wills... James 4:13-17

Boasting About Tomorrow

13 Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— 14 yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. 15 Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” 16 As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. 17 So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

now, I'm not a theological expert by any means, i don't know really how to understand much of scripture outside of letting it be revealed to me by the Spirit... and gleaning from life experience. whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin... it's those moments, i know i should spend the time pursuing God, but man, it sure sounds like a lot more fun to go wander through the mall, or have these long chats over tea... it sounds so good to just relax and take a nap when i've got a neighbor outside who's hurting. i'd love to do serve in this capacity, but just not today.

God has called me to reconciliation but... there is no excuse. NOW! NOW!!! NOW!!!!! there is no moment like the present.... i sit and ponder if i find

there is no place to find this grace once you over look it.

“do the right thing without expecting the right results”

“do the right thing without expecting the right results”
i was reading the shack... well actually, just finished today, one good thing i took from it, in our relationships, we can expect things, or have an expectancy that things will happen. Oh the beauty of an expectancy rather than setting expectations on the relationships that we have and taking that to a deeper and more personal level, having expectations on God. You know i was taught to expect God to fill-in-the-blank. And I guess I’m seeing, that yes we have to have faith that God can fill-in-the-blank, BUT whether or not he ACTUALLY does it, is his sovereignty.

step one.

towards resolutions for 2009.
the e-mail & text message has been sent. now it's in His hands...
i pray it is received with grace and that Father's open arms would open mine wide.
yes, step one in reconciliation, is simply connecting with that person you've offended.
next comes the hard part, the humbling part. but necessary. it's time to discover which relationships will hold water.

a sad portrait of today's society.

now i know that many will look upon our society and continue to claim that we are a "christian nation, founded on moral principles" and while i see this to a degree, we don't really condone terrorism, we appreciate equality and for the most part, value human life.


However, this photo that i took last year, speaks to me what i have seen in the past so many years. people giving up on their faith. which must not have really been faith at all. this photo says "for sale, $25 OBO" it's like we say, well this faith thing, this Christianity thing, when it was new and plastic was totally great, i paid a great cost for it, but here you go, i'm sick of it, i'll take what you're willing to give for a disheveled faith.

This Christmas, it's my hope that i don't let go. that you don't let go. last night, a good deal of the sharing was about traditions, and the importance of maintining tradition for tradition sake. while this isn't really something that i can link arms with, it is something that i'll take to heed. for example, what if this scene belonged to a grandmother who passed away, and the grandkids kept it because it reminded them of her, but it really meant nothing to them... ladies and gentlemen, our faith HAS to be our own. tradition, has value but mainting important things for traditions sake is meaningless.

Today, this year, next year, may you, may I take out that rusty nativity that looks like it's worth next to nothing, and take a close look at it. shine it up, MAKE IT YOUR OWN... leave Christ as the center. don't give up on it. its not worth $25.... it's worth your life...it's invaluble... your heart your soul... everything that you are.

Bless God this Christmas morning.

another random person...

went over to a family's house to drop off a christmas card, and i ran into another random person from the past, this time it was completely different. it was just like i could be me again, that some life experiences have changed and matured both of us, and our relationship in the past wasn't one of those "forced ones"... i think i've finally figured out which relationships were REAL and which were based off of a wrong motive or off of convenience. and i'm not sure that i'm going to fully restore all of them, but really i do have a lot of setting right to say the least... As much as is possible with you, be at peace with all. this is the cry of my heart, i know how it hurts to be abandoned, and i suppose, i'm continuing to realize that by "default" or association, i've essentially abandoned others... the sin of others does not justify sin within self. why leave people guilty by association. it's just not worth it. i'm going to start taking steps to right that wrong.

i think this too will continue to help me focus on what is important in the relationships that i've been continuing to build. seasons are a fascinating thing... we have so much to learn, every time it's different; yet at the same time, it's always the same...
love God. love others.

Who’s on your team?

So last night, I stayed really pretty late chatting with a friend…we were talking about friendship and community. We have markedly different views on community. I've had many people with the same attitude throughout my life… I'm not quite sure where I TRULY stand. The attitude these folks have had is the "me and Jesus" attitude. While this is a completely trustworthy attitude, and I honestly believe that He's our source. I don't really think we were created for "lone ranger spirituality." There are a few examples of Biblical figures flying solo, Paul was taught the gospel by Christ himself this was for a period of 3 year without this outside consulting… (gal 1:11-24) We all know Moses, spent 40 days on the mountain with God. Jesus spent 40 days in the wilderness, He also spent many times in solitude with His Father. Ezekiel laid on his side for over 2 years. David became a man prepared for his kingly duty essentially alone, in the pasture with his sheep.

At the same time, my heart is so much drawn to intentional community. I began to receive a pretty intense illustration...one that i'm working through to live as a parable in my life... i think it really fits the way i live well...

My personal community is much like a football team. Jesus being the coach, and I'm the quarterback, I need to have him constantly in my ear guiding my decisions and life goals, He needs to be the authority and the one I answer to for my actions. this is the most important relationship, if there is no coach, there is not a team. At the very least no vision for the team.

A team is against an opposing defense, we have an enemy who is trying to destroy us, trying to steal the ball out of our hands, and trying to keep us from reaching our goal. We need people to stand with us, the community that we can stand against satans schemes together. Their focus is not so much on where the ball is going, but really on protecting the quarterback or player with the ball. Its on helping the goal be reached, but they're not necessarily moving the ball. . . I believe this is the role of close friends. They're there when you need their protection and their strength.

But a team cannot win with a quarterback and line alone. We need the receivers, the running backs, people that will help the ball move down the field, a quarterback cannot run down the field all alone, nor can he throw it to himself. These are the people intimately involved in our lives. The ones we trust to help us reach our goal in the deepest way. They have that common goal and run with perseverance to the goal, throw it, catch it, run it, all things to accomplish the goal.
We have a defense, a silent community that does their job even if we're not aware of it, the larger community, perhaps the local church, or other people involved in our lives that we don't necessarily do regular work with.

We also have a great cloud of witnesses, the stands are full of other members of the body, cheering us on and giving us the perseverance to attain victory. PTL!
Now, sometimes our players get injured and they can't do the work, they are incapable of carrying the ball or defending. It's a matter of choice of how we react to that, we can "bench them," allow them to heal and play again, or we can give up on them, and trade them out. I'm not really the type to trade them out. Honestly, I'm the type that would let them play injured, or let a hole in my offense. . . maybe it's not wise, but that's where I'm at.
It's my prayer that more than being a quarterback, I can be the running back, wide receiver, offensive line, defense, and witness for others in the community, we all have the same goal. We all need to be capable of playing different positions. It's about putting the others before ourselves.

So, in an semi-unrelated question, am I doing what people like or what God wants?

at just the right time...

Romans 5:6 - For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.

the other day, i was available at just the right time... a neighbor friend of mine had wrist surgery recently, and i caught her shoveling the sidewalk, it was really at just the right time i was able to go outside and realize i could shovel for her... she was so blessed. and i came along at just the right time PTL.

so the question lies, how often are you there at just the right time and don't do a thing? remember i'm often put in a place where i can make the righteous choice or i can just walk along. the fields are white for harvest... when you're there at just the right time, seize every opportunity.

self defeated?

ROMANS 8.
just a few highlights.

• the law of the Spirit of life has set you free n Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.(2)
• to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.(6)
• For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. (7)
• You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. (8)
• For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” (15)
• heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. (17)
• For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. (18)
• but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. (23)
• For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. (24-25)
• Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. (26)
• Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God (27)
• What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? (31)
• Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. (33)
• Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us (34)
• Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?
• TRIBULATION?
• DISTRESS?
• PERSECUTION?
• FAMINE?
• NAKEDNESS?
• DANGER?
• SWORD? (35)
  
• No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. (37)
  
• For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (39)

AMEN. NO NEED TO BE SELF DEFEATED.
PTL.

white elephants.

a phrase that has resounded in my head for the past few days. its come to life in two different facets in these days too. a white elephant as an unspoken 'disagreement' (hopefully an agree to disagree) but then also in the more christmas-y terms as well.
so this evening, we had a white elephant gift exchange, the sort of thing where you either buy something really cool for $5 or you find some complete odd ball junk. then you fight over the
"best" gifts. i spent a good deal of time with a couple friends picking out some sweet $5 gifts, (picked up extras just to be sure everyone had something to give, in case someone forgot)... when i picked out my surprise, i got a clock and two little vases, a matching set... mind you though, it looks like something a 90 year old woman would appreciate, well, that is if her eyes are good enough to read the time...
so i sat there and i thought, maybe this is my problem. (thinking too much that is)... but really, how much do i give, how much just totally with arms open and inviting others into my life, but how much on the same note do i really receive? what do i "get" in return, left-overs, the stuff that people don't care for any longer... the conversation that's been rehearsed and rehashed with others, again the 'trustworthy' question comes up... THIS IS NOT THE GOSPEL.
this is not the way to live, the golden rule, live by the golden rule, the #2 of all things we're to do in life, love your neighbor as yourself. is that really the way i want to be loved, no i want to be loved by the ones that go out of their way to see if i'm doing okay whether or not i have a confused or grumpy look on my face. i'd like to hear every once in a while, you're a good friend, and i did hear that tonight, but i wonder... if i hadn't had such a hard time after all these thoughts, would it have been verbalized? i try my hardest to share my heart with others, to share what it is that i appreciate, and encourage. i give even if i don't know how. and somehow, i suppose i just feel on the short end of the stick.
it's amazing really, how circumstances can change your perspective, how being around different people can completely change you... i find it strange that the most encouraging and thought provoking conversation i had today was with someone that i don't nessessarily think loves God with the majority of their heart (i know i can't judge), but really, what does it mean... i want to be the light in that darkness. i don't want to be so caught up in my own needs and desires that i find myself hudled in a corner by myself.
psalm 73:26- he is my portion.

Passing fleeting notes

as i've randomly encountered people that i haven't seen in years, i wonder the impact.  yes, the impact that they've had on me, but more importantly, the impact that i've had on them.  was i really one that drew them closer to fulfilling their potential?  i hope this is the case, but i think it's also a new mindset to me, and with this in mind, i can't help but wonder if all these cyclical moments in life aren't to help me unearth the potential within myself... i know there are places for me to go and faces for me to meet.  but i remain stagnent for the sake of comfort.  and when i do not discover the comfort that i so deeply desire, then i lose track of my focus...

enough mindless babble and rambling words, it's time to do something worthwile... thus i begin ... animal farm.

something new.

seasons come and seasons go, perhaps its really time for a new season in my life. there's been times where i was confident of it. all that i seem to hold onto, all i considered of value in real friendship seems so fragile.
why is the human heart so selfish when reality comes... my heart is hurting and confused. but i can't come to admit it? i feel some have abandoned me for those that have hurt me. . . yet deep inside, i hear a voice saying, 'come to the water' this is where your rest is found. i know this to be the real truth, i cannot find my peace, my solace through people or conversation. i cannot find Shalom outside of amazing grace.
at the same time where do the paradoxes lay? i am a living paradox. yes, this is the truth. i resonate so much with paul, the things i do, i do not want to do, but the things i do are the things i don't want to do. i don't want to be selifish but i am, i don't want to be needy but i am, i want to be a servant but i'm not. i want to be joyful but i'm not. i want to love with a surrendered heart, but it just seems so impossible.
the lessons learned are lessons of truth, and must be only found completely in a thanksgiving. its when we're thankful that we're truly joyful.
there's so much that i cannot and do not understand. i know that God is in me, loves me and at the same time is great beyond my comprehenshion but all i can see is my own little world, and when i look outside of my own little world, i stand in awe. i see God's goodness. i see his grace. and i muse within myself... what would it look like if...