something new.

seasons come and seasons go, perhaps its really time for a new season in my life. there's been times where i was confident of it. all that i seem to hold onto, all i considered of value in real friendship seems so fragile.
why is the human heart so selfish when reality comes... my heart is hurting and confused. but i can't come to admit it? i feel some have abandoned me for those that have hurt me. . . yet deep inside, i hear a voice saying, 'come to the water' this is where your rest is found. i know this to be the real truth, i cannot find my peace, my solace through people or conversation. i cannot find Shalom outside of amazing grace.
at the same time where do the paradoxes lay? i am a living paradox. yes, this is the truth. i resonate so much with paul, the things i do, i do not want to do, but the things i do are the things i don't want to do. i don't want to be selifish but i am, i don't want to be needy but i am, i want to be a servant but i'm not. i want to be joyful but i'm not. i want to love with a surrendered heart, but it just seems so impossible.
the lessons learned are lessons of truth, and must be only found completely in a thanksgiving. its when we're thankful that we're truly joyful.
there's so much that i cannot and do not understand. i know that God is in me, loves me and at the same time is great beyond my comprehenshion but all i can see is my own little world, and when i look outside of my own little world, i stand in awe. i see God's goodness. i see his grace. and i muse within myself... what would it look like if...