white elephants.

a phrase that has resounded in my head for the past few days. its come to life in two different facets in these days too. a white elephant as an unspoken 'disagreement' (hopefully an agree to disagree) but then also in the more christmas-y terms as well.
so this evening, we had a white elephant gift exchange, the sort of thing where you either buy something really cool for $5 or you find some complete odd ball junk. then you fight over the
"best" gifts. i spent a good deal of time with a couple friends picking out some sweet $5 gifts, (picked up extras just to be sure everyone had something to give, in case someone forgot)... when i picked out my surprise, i got a clock and two little vases, a matching set... mind you though, it looks like something a 90 year old woman would appreciate, well, that is if her eyes are good enough to read the time...
so i sat there and i thought, maybe this is my problem. (thinking too much that is)... but really, how much do i give, how much just totally with arms open and inviting others into my life, but how much on the same note do i really receive? what do i "get" in return, left-overs, the stuff that people don't care for any longer... the conversation that's been rehearsed and rehashed with others, again the 'trustworthy' question comes up... THIS IS NOT THE GOSPEL.
this is not the way to live, the golden rule, live by the golden rule, the #2 of all things we're to do in life, love your neighbor as yourself. is that really the way i want to be loved, no i want to be loved by the ones that go out of their way to see if i'm doing okay whether or not i have a confused or grumpy look on my face. i'd like to hear every once in a while, you're a good friend, and i did hear that tonight, but i wonder... if i hadn't had such a hard time after all these thoughts, would it have been verbalized? i try my hardest to share my heart with others, to share what it is that i appreciate, and encourage. i give even if i don't know how. and somehow, i suppose i just feel on the short end of the stick.
it's amazing really, how circumstances can change your perspective, how being around different people can completely change you... i find it strange that the most encouraging and thought provoking conversation i had today was with someone that i don't nessessarily think loves God with the majority of their heart (i know i can't judge), but really, what does it mean... i want to be the light in that darkness. i don't want to be so caught up in my own needs and desires that i find myself hudled in a corner by myself.
psalm 73:26- he is my portion.