Sometimes its those difficult times that really force us to examine what matters, and who matters in our lives...

What a true statement, what a deep thought. Lately, it's really been a lot of reconciliation put oon by "random" experiences. and i'm honestly very thankful for this.
I had breakfast with an old friend i hadn't seen for a couple years this morning, what was strange was i expected it to be a little awkward, but it really wasn't. Somehow, it was like the past was behind, and all that mattered was the moment we were living together. we've both traveled through a lot since we had seen each other last, since we've at least shared our hearts. it's really beautiful to see God change a heart. (mine & hers too!)
We had great discussion about liberalism, cultural awareness, homosexuality in the church, tolerance, drawing lines of righteous judgment, vision for her future, college, relationships, and ultimately forgiveness and reconciliation.
you see, i used to spend a lot of time deeply concerned about how people viewed me after i endured through a difficult church situation, and throughout the past couple months, i've really been having a heart check, like, where has my focus been, has it really been on loving, or has it been on dividing?! Over and over again, i adamantly proclaim how much LOATHE division, and am disgusted by places of hatred. yet at the same time i have been used as a tool to create the division to a degree.
At one point, i was asked "why me" "why am i safe" and my simple response was, i'm convinced that i know which relationships hold water, and this is truth, to me at least. and these are the ones that i'm going to focus on restoring, or at least bringing a sense of peace to. there is so much to say, and i only have so many words. talkin about change and growth, and the attitude behind words, how with one little slip of the tongue, something meant to be an encouragement, MIGHT just come across very manipulatively. but it not being the case or the real heart of the matter afterall. its a little confusing to live here, but in the end i belive it will turn out for the good of those that love God. We spent some time discussing what it looks like for someone who has left a church to hold relationships, and i began to think about the times i might have failed. the Spirit was doing all the work in my heart, it was nothing that she said or could conjure up.
I began once again to think about the book of Philemon, and how Paul was used to reconclie Onesimus with the church, to those that he had hurt, and Paul was in a relational position with the church and Onesimus to be in that place... I've been told over and over that i have a gift of healing, and this is something that i want to exhibit.
sara groves has a song called "tornado"

And every time I find healing you're making a new mess,
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness.
And I could move and never send you a forwarding address,
Or I could learn the real meaning of forgiveness.

i can see this in my life, in order to "clean the bedroom" typically, it gets WAY worse than the original "mess" to get the deepst part of it clean, so it is in our lives. everytime we get to a deeper part, things will get messy again. sometimes i wonder if this is all worth it, what if i work though all this, only to be broken some more in the end... and all i can come to is the fact that i've been forgiven much. and it's my joy to forgive just as i have been forgiven.
Again, there are times when i focus too much on the immediate. there are times when i've lost sight of the truth and what really matters. but the depth is that i need to move past it. and let God be in control, because he is whether we let him be or not...

i'm thinking as time goes along, possibly finally getting up the guts to talk to the church's leadership about what i see as wrong... and i want so desperately to see them pulled from stumbling...i remnded myself again, that we are humans, our nature encourages individuality in perhaps an unbiblical way. all in all, i coudl write much longer on my thoughts of the day and chat, but i thin it needs to bebrought to God again.
now, in a few hours, i have nother chat, more nervous, more humility, but more grace i pray. Sunday it is the same, during my quiet time, i felt that i really needed to contact someone and at that very moment, and it really was a God thing, this woman is moving across the country in 2 days, and was willing to share some of her last day in the area with me PTL. the timing and listening to the Spirit. its a lot of humility and work, but His tenderness is great. and the way He leads, is everlasting.