abundantly...

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." - John 10:1o

You know, I'm here, to know that abundant life. Today, I lived in both these places, i lived in a place where the thief did try to steal and destroy, and i lived in moments of abundant life. Not really much of my day was spent in the "in between state" I find myself often frustrated at myself, and quite incompetent and worthless. . . it's only AFTER these moments i can realize that it's the enemy. It's the moments i fix my eyes on Jesus that i can realize i have the promise of this abundant life.

I wonder sometimes how i can go from feeling so appreciated and invested in to feeling near worthless. it really just doesn't make sense. What doesn't make more sense is how i can feel appreciated by a new friend and let down by the close friends. the enemy really does come to steal, kill, and destroy, this is how. Not that feeling appreciated is a bad thing, in fact, i think that's a healthy thing, but feeling under-valued by those that nearly unconditionally love. this is where the problem is. BUT maybe the bigger problem is really what was pointed out to me, "where is my affirmation coming from?" A couple years ago, i read a book, when people are big and God is small. i thought i had recuperated from this position, but maybe the reality is that i haven't. I thought i learned how to put God before the influence of others, maybe i was wrong. Often times, we talk about the difference between our head and our heart. I've got it all in my head, I've got knowledge more than i can explain to you or myself, but it's in my head. yet, the fruit, i don't always see the fruit.

tonight, i spent time dreaming with a new friend, thinking about what ministry looks like and how i don't HAVE to leave the country, discovering ways to love youth into the kingdom, and being that REAL example. Talking about the culture of youth today, and just getting time to know a new person. some people are just naturally easy to talk to. and it REALLY is funny how life experience can make someone older and wiser than yourself. eating dinner with a woman a mere one year older one year older than me, yet ladled with such DIFFERENT life experiences, married, a mom of 2 with a 9 year old. yet with a piece of the same heart. so a simple connection. I don't know why it's so easy to let a "i'm flying high because i think God's at work" moment become a "woe is me" moment, but i do it all the time. MAYBE, its a lack of thankfulness. who knows.

but nonetheless, i'm a selfish person who only looks out for her best interest, so anti-Biblical.

I have a lot to figure out, of this i am sure... but that's not for 2am.

dear friends, let us turn our eyes to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith. (heb 12:2) for when our eyes are fixed there, everything holy becomes natural.