ADVOCATE.

what a powerful word.

timing and seasons.

I wonder sometimes about the futility of life, how some people can be so content with simple life, and how others so discontent when they have everything.  and with the futility of myself flowing back and forth so easily... between the two... i always need to be entertained...sometimes i don't.  the truth of the matter is i so despreatly want to be content but don't know what that REALLY looks like.

selfishness.

a subject i've been mulling over quite a few days now...
i've come to the conclusion that i'm the most selfish person i know... now now now, i would assume you, the reader can come to the exact same conclusion.
Only i can see inside of my heart, all the selfish motives that are hidden behind layers and layers and layers of generosity.
Praise God, i see subtle levels of it fleeing but its such a deep rooted nature within me.
The old flaring up trying to overcome the new nature.
How thankful i am for the encouragement from Revelation 12:11, "they overcome by the blood of the Lamb & the word of their testimony"... there's a deeper cry if you finish the verse "and they love not their lives even unto death"
It's interesting how that second and MOST IMPORTANT part of the verse has so often been taught around...
I'm spending today just thinking about the humility found in not loving my life.
and living attempting to live in a way that does not exude selfishness, even internally, difficult as that may be... i think it'll be worth it...
it's more blessed to give than to receive...

"grief"

Sunday I spent about an hour in a cemetery. Cemeteries are really sobering places. Something perhaps I don't really have a grasp on is grief. Never REALLY having needed to grieve over something major in my life, I never really have experienced it... So, that said I've used that to consider the amount of compassion that i have as well...
Regardless, lets get onto the time at the cemetery. It was presented as an adventure in DC before i left to come home, well, it was more than i could have imagined it to be... I didn't really know what i was getting into, i mean i love cemeteries, i love the solemness and stillness, its a place to remember we are simply dust one moment closer to our eternal destination.
There's a depressing story to this statue involving affairs, suicide, and meditation... you can do a google search to discover more about the statue but here's my a bit sized piece of experience...
i kinda felt like henry nowen, in the time of his writing the return of the prodigal son (not to the extent of him) but nowen interacted with the painting, and for a moment i felt myself interacating with the statue. trying to feel the pain, the abandonment and the lonliness... feeling for the heavy breathing and the sighs, the raught contentment in the midst of all these negative emotions. . .

It's a place that i want to be, not so much focusing on the moments that tear down, but more on the times that are useful for building up. not that i think i understand a bit of what grief is, or that this is what it is... but really, for a second, i felt a compassion that i hadn't in a while, it was almsot like a realization that when people are in thier deepest despair, they don't need someone to rattle off this and that, but just to be there with them... simply to listen.

worship thoughts.

reflecting during worship this evening. "new songs made old" and not my heart anymore...
what do these songs say about our genearation:
- inside out
-mighty to save
- never let go

---
we long for faithfulness
have a desperate need for truth
the broken hearts are beating
with the promise of new life
the cross in front of me
here my salvation lies
a bloody savior, and yet reigning king
beckons my heart to come.
i cannot stand this sight
looking through my sin.

and then...

so and then there was a time and a place where i wanted to go back to . . . not that the times are bad now, i mean PTL, i'm so blessed.  blessed with friends i cannot cease  to be thankful enough for, blessed with flexibility and blessed with the very Spirit of God.  What an amazing realization there are times and there are seasons in life, and i'm not quite sure i can put a finger on if i like that fact or not...
you know, i was watching slumdog millionare the other night, and reflecting on how little the majority of the world has, and how even after being in such poor countries, and many desolate lands, i can't help but STILL see people not so much as a life, but more as a number, or a sad face... it's a really discouraging thought... to realize that many of the faces that i walk by i don't look at as living beings....
i'm attempting to be more intentional in my conversations, to realize the heart of people.  to see beyond myself and my circumstances, sometimes it works, other times i get caught up in the everyday life. . . there are places i want to go and lives i want to touch, but is this because i just want to be woven into someone else's story?  i'm not quite sure. 
sometimes still, i get lost in my grandeous thougths of what life would be like if i could plan it out the way i want it, and the sad condition of my heart doesn't make it out to be better for the majority of the world... just those i interact with... so, then i sit here and think... how can i continue to live beyond myself... beyond my joys and my frustrations, and REALLY, TRULY, HONESTLY seek first the kingdom of heaven.

Isaiah

I've been attempting to read through Isaiah. kinda went about it backwards, 40-66, then i started at the begining...
yesterday, i was in Isaiah 7.
i stopped in my tracks when i came to verse 9.

if you are not firm in faith,
you will not be firm at all.

It's still on my heart well over 24 hours later.

today, this stings.

“Why do you call me Lord, Lord,
and not do what I tell you? “

–Luke 6:46

It is probably the hardest question that I can ask myself. . . it rings so true in my heart. This comes after the commandment to love enemies and not judge. These are the continual struggles of a human being, and the only way to overcome is to be on the rock, the foundation that stands in the midst of the storm, and to walk in the Spirit.