vacation...

wow, so much good to share in the past few days, God has worked greatly, here's a slice.
time spent discussing fledgling relationships with friends, and aiming for negativity to be stilled.
good chats with good friends, and times of rest too.

spending time with a mentor who drove me to understand reconciliation a little more, ministering to the kids at church one-on-one in the exact way they needed it! Totally Spirit at work revealing love to them, and exposing sin gently, and the beautiful thing was when THEY were they ones to say "you mean...." Spirit conviction not my words.

Bible study conversations that gave a real and memorable focus on prayer, and really drove us to our knees together.

now, yesterday, a road trip to a new place (kinda needed it) getting out on the road, 5 people in a little car for 5 hours, hitting up a random diner on the way, ordering "touchdowns" (egg, frenchtoast,pancake, bacon, sausage, coffee/tea, and oj) all for $3.95! then seeing new scenes and discussing life, joys, and God. learning that it really tears down walls to ask heart questions, and most of the time, the walls are within yourself.

there have been a lot of good laughs, spontanetiy, and now, i go to feed my Spirit. before everyone gets back from the slopes in an hour...

realizing the irony in a town where everything is either amazingly pristine, or decrepit and needs tearing down. there's no room for middle ground in these parts. there should be no middle ground in our lives either.

thats all folks, more to come eventually.

two open hearts and four open ears.

what a fantastic view.  i feel like i've had this sort of conversation every night this week.  i feel like it's a good place to be where you have a conversation and you leave wanting to be more Christ-like.  exploring within your own self, and with somebody else huge and foundational topics like God-style love.  It's really refreshing, and i believe a reflection of where i'm striving to be.  i'm striving to ask those hard questions of myself.  and when i see them and examine them, THEN i ask them of someone else to see if there are blind spots.... hypocrasies, or failures. 
i want to echo the cry of psalm 17, espcially v3: "You have tried my heart, you have visited me by night, you have tested me, and you will find nothing; I have purposed that my mouth will not transgress."
yes, that's it!  i pray that daily i get there...
thoughts about perspective, proximity, and memories, letting go of the past and embracing grace... all these good things in my mind.  i went for a prayer walk aroudn town today first time i did that in a long time, it was nice to get my eyes off self and brought back where they belong. 
ALL THINGS WILL BE MADE NEW

fire, prayer, life.

okay, so i promised some more positive thoughts . . . .

today i spent some time listening to some teachings on prayer. . . we're going to be talking about prayer in Bible study so i deemed it beneficial.

So, here goes, when i think about prayer, i often will think about sitting quietly in a room by myself, sometimes offering up "thoughts" to God or perhaps being in a place of submission.  i'll think of offering requests to God, rather than simply being satisfied in Christ.  Now, here's something big. . .

Fire, tribulation... these are two qualities that are not to be ignored when it comes to prayer.  I have spent time considering how to pray, and how to be sanctified... i think the two go together.  Becoming more like Christ . . . not only in his glory or the positive things, but also ...  Phil 3:10 "that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death"  how often do we ignore second half of that verse, SHARING IN HIS SUFFERING BECOMING LIKE HIM IN HIS DEATH. . .

so prayer, what is it?  something i'm ready to understand and partake in more fully.

so seriously.

i don't get it.

forget it.

i quit.

finished.

that's it . . .


maybe i just need a break.
 
it would be nice to close my eyes for a year, for two to let the world and life pass by, so i could be in the next stage of my life without having to go through steps to get there.  I'm not sure what's going on in my head, why i can't stop thinking and the only way to stop is to distract myself, and when i distract myself i am numb to the world.  when i'm numb to the world, then i give up when i give up i start to think, why have i done that, and then i distract myself...  what a vicious cycle. it leaves me here, REALLY wandering, not only in the fact that i've slept in 4 different beds in the past 4 nights but also in the my discipline, it doesn't help, here i am, most nights this week, well past 2am and i just can't stop my brain from working, i tire myself out, but just lay, and write, and think and offer up prayers of frustration.  i don't have anywhere to turn.  i don't even know what's going on...

i've found when i genuinely put others ahead of me, i know something bigger than myself, the moments i forget, i lose sight... stuff doesn't satisfy.  busyness doesn't nor does silence. 
are these just tired thoughts that are all meaningless...

there are some positive thoughts please don't worry TOOOO much.  ok?

regardlessiamamessrightnow

i miss it.

today, i was feeling like a nomad, once again, not sure where to lay my head, feeling a little burdened and slightly confused... all i could do is shake my head, sigh, and say, "i miss it"
so, right now, the number 1 thing i miss, hands down, my apartment. i look around me and realize that i really have no place i call home, i have no place of peace and continual community. i try to build it, i try to put myself into places where i can have that, but it just never seems to fulfill.
honestly, even when surrounded by amazing friends i feel lonely. . .
yes, i get frustrated when i feel like i get the short end of the conversation... when i'm in a place where instead of deepening, i'm in a place of starting something from ground level.
Granted, i cannot complain, all things happen for a reason, and all i'm put in the places i'm put in because God put me there. But honestly, given the chance to minister to a new person, or to go deep with friends, hands down i'll choose the second. it wasn't so tonight. there was no chance of it. I went to Bible study to go deep, to invest and be invested in on a heart level. but it turned into an evening of questions with a new friend that's entered into a faith search. we connected just great, and i'm convinced that i was where God placed me tonight for a reason... even to the fact that i had an extra small Bible, and she didn't have a Bible, but now she does... PTL! (i now know i lost my Bible and found it at just the right time!)
I just can't get over how caught up in myself i am. how desperately i long for community, and unfortuantly, i want that more than to see a lost soul fall into the arms of Christ. why be frustrated? luke 15:10 talks about angels rejoicing when a lost sinner comes to God. yet i don't want the love that it takes to get them there, i just want to have God do the work, and i'l go off to the side and have feel good time with my friends?!? this cannot be.
anyways, back to the apartment, i really do miss it, i feel lost... i feel homeless...

failed.

yes, so i did it yesterday,
i hit the snooze button.  tisk tisk.  i am thankful that life isn't always about self - imposed punishment, nor is it about afflicting ourselves until we finally overcome, but i do feel that i've let myself down.  the only way to pick up is to start over.  and that's what i'm going to do, be in bed before 1, and not at 3 reflecting on the poorness of myself, but rather to choose to live in the truth that overcomes today, and run to the forgiveness that looks beyond the habit and into the heart.  from the inside out, this is how i want to change, today i did still have the desire to pursue, just not the discipline to ignore the elation of a few extra moments of sleep. . .
good conversations today, ready now... ready to again change excited to challenge and be challenged and just ready.

abundantly...

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." - John 10:1o

You know, I'm here, to know that abundant life. Today, I lived in both these places, i lived in a place where the thief did try to steal and destroy, and i lived in moments of abundant life. Not really much of my day was spent in the "in between state" I find myself often frustrated at myself, and quite incompetent and worthless. . . it's only AFTER these moments i can realize that it's the enemy. It's the moments i fix my eyes on Jesus that i can realize i have the promise of this abundant life.

I wonder sometimes how i can go from feeling so appreciated and invested in to feeling near worthless. it really just doesn't make sense. What doesn't make more sense is how i can feel appreciated by a new friend and let down by the close friends. the enemy really does come to steal, kill, and destroy, this is how. Not that feeling appreciated is a bad thing, in fact, i think that's a healthy thing, but feeling under-valued by those that nearly unconditionally love. this is where the problem is. BUT maybe the bigger problem is really what was pointed out to me, "where is my affirmation coming from?" A couple years ago, i read a book, when people are big and God is small. i thought i had recuperated from this position, but maybe the reality is that i haven't. I thought i learned how to put God before the influence of others, maybe i was wrong. Often times, we talk about the difference between our head and our heart. I've got it all in my head, I've got knowledge more than i can explain to you or myself, but it's in my head. yet, the fruit, i don't always see the fruit.

tonight, i spent time dreaming with a new friend, thinking about what ministry looks like and how i don't HAVE to leave the country, discovering ways to love youth into the kingdom, and being that REAL example. Talking about the culture of youth today, and just getting time to know a new person. some people are just naturally easy to talk to. and it REALLY is funny how life experience can make someone older and wiser than yourself. eating dinner with a woman a mere one year older one year older than me, yet ladled with such DIFFERENT life experiences, married, a mom of 2 with a 9 year old. yet with a piece of the same heart. so a simple connection. I don't know why it's so easy to let a "i'm flying high because i think God's at work" moment become a "woe is me" moment, but i do it all the time. MAYBE, its a lack of thankfulness. who knows.

but nonetheless, i'm a selfish person who only looks out for her best interest, so anti-Biblical.

I have a lot to figure out, of this i am sure... but that's not for 2am.

dear friends, let us turn our eyes to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith. (heb 12:2) for when our eyes are fixed there, everything holy becomes natural.