i miss it.

today, i was feeling like a nomad, once again, not sure where to lay my head, feeling a little burdened and slightly confused... all i could do is shake my head, sigh, and say, "i miss it"
so, right now, the number 1 thing i miss, hands down, my apartment. i look around me and realize that i really have no place i call home, i have no place of peace and continual community. i try to build it, i try to put myself into places where i can have that, but it just never seems to fulfill.
honestly, even when surrounded by amazing friends i feel lonely. . .
yes, i get frustrated when i feel like i get the short end of the conversation... when i'm in a place where instead of deepening, i'm in a place of starting something from ground level.
Granted, i cannot complain, all things happen for a reason, and all i'm put in the places i'm put in because God put me there. But honestly, given the chance to minister to a new person, or to go deep with friends, hands down i'll choose the second. it wasn't so tonight. there was no chance of it. I went to Bible study to go deep, to invest and be invested in on a heart level. but it turned into an evening of questions with a new friend that's entered into a faith search. we connected just great, and i'm convinced that i was where God placed me tonight for a reason... even to the fact that i had an extra small Bible, and she didn't have a Bible, but now she does... PTL! (i now know i lost my Bible and found it at just the right time!)
I just can't get over how caught up in myself i am. how desperately i long for community, and unfortuantly, i want that more than to see a lost soul fall into the arms of Christ. why be frustrated? luke 15:10 talks about angels rejoicing when a lost sinner comes to God. yet i don't want the love that it takes to get them there, i just want to have God do the work, and i'l go off to the side and have feel good time with my friends?!? this cannot be.
anyways, back to the apartment, i really do miss it, i feel lost... i feel homeless...

failed.

yes, so i did it yesterday,
i hit the snooze button.  tisk tisk.  i am thankful that life isn't always about self - imposed punishment, nor is it about afflicting ourselves until we finally overcome, but i do feel that i've let myself down.  the only way to pick up is to start over.  and that's what i'm going to do, be in bed before 1, and not at 3 reflecting on the poorness of myself, but rather to choose to live in the truth that overcomes today, and run to the forgiveness that looks beyond the habit and into the heart.  from the inside out, this is how i want to change, today i did still have the desire to pursue, just not the discipline to ignore the elation of a few extra moments of sleep. . .
good conversations today, ready now... ready to again change excited to challenge and be challenged and just ready.

abundantly...

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." - John 10:1o

You know, I'm here, to know that abundant life. Today, I lived in both these places, i lived in a place where the thief did try to steal and destroy, and i lived in moments of abundant life. Not really much of my day was spent in the "in between state" I find myself often frustrated at myself, and quite incompetent and worthless. . . it's only AFTER these moments i can realize that it's the enemy. It's the moments i fix my eyes on Jesus that i can realize i have the promise of this abundant life.

I wonder sometimes how i can go from feeling so appreciated and invested in to feeling near worthless. it really just doesn't make sense. What doesn't make more sense is how i can feel appreciated by a new friend and let down by the close friends. the enemy really does come to steal, kill, and destroy, this is how. Not that feeling appreciated is a bad thing, in fact, i think that's a healthy thing, but feeling under-valued by those that nearly unconditionally love. this is where the problem is. BUT maybe the bigger problem is really what was pointed out to me, "where is my affirmation coming from?" A couple years ago, i read a book, when people are big and God is small. i thought i had recuperated from this position, but maybe the reality is that i haven't. I thought i learned how to put God before the influence of others, maybe i was wrong. Often times, we talk about the difference between our head and our heart. I've got it all in my head, I've got knowledge more than i can explain to you or myself, but it's in my head. yet, the fruit, i don't always see the fruit.

tonight, i spent time dreaming with a new friend, thinking about what ministry looks like and how i don't HAVE to leave the country, discovering ways to love youth into the kingdom, and being that REAL example. Talking about the culture of youth today, and just getting time to know a new person. some people are just naturally easy to talk to. and it REALLY is funny how life experience can make someone older and wiser than yourself. eating dinner with a woman a mere one year older one year older than me, yet ladled with such DIFFERENT life experiences, married, a mom of 2 with a 9 year old. yet with a piece of the same heart. so a simple connection. I don't know why it's so easy to let a "i'm flying high because i think God's at work" moment become a "woe is me" moment, but i do it all the time. MAYBE, its a lack of thankfulness. who knows.

but nonetheless, i'm a selfish person who only looks out for her best interest, so anti-Biblical.

I have a lot to figure out, of this i am sure... but that's not for 2am.

dear friends, let us turn our eyes to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith. (heb 12:2) for when our eyes are fixed there, everything holy becomes natural.

drug of choice?

I'll admit it, i have a strong addiction.  It's an addiction to travel.
anyone who's known me for any period of time and hasn't seen me for a while, first question will be, "got any trips planned?"
admittedly, i get a smirk when this question is asked. . . it's like "wow, they know me" but when i look deeper into the heart of the question, i can't hlep but wonder if i'm too much of a wanderer. . . like, is there really a place that i call home, or would i rather be THAT mobile?  I'm not sure. . . that's a big question. 
"in humility, consider others better than yourself" perhaps one of the most difficult passages in the Bible. . .
The travels, mostly to visit friends, or do ministry, i wonder how much of the heart of it is for them, and how much of the heart of it is for a pat on the back, you see, i don't really immerse myself in one place, outside of here, i really have found a comfortable place with comfortable friends, whom i love dearly . . . yet something continues to stir in the depth of me, is there something more. . . ?  and if there is, why am i missing out on it?
why is it that people ask about trips, and not about my core, not about my heart, am i engaging in those heart conversations to love those that need a friend, or am i just about fun & games anymore. . . don't get me wrong, there's a time and a season for all these things, but i just wonder how deeply i've strayed from whats #1.  truth of the matter is, it's possible that i haven't, but i have a complex that says i must have.

soaking it in... and doing something about it.

reflecting on a lunchtime conversation yesterday, i left really encouraged to go out there and do something! I suppose the biggest thing i left the talk with is the part of the church, are we are in church filling pews and listening to teaching, not DOING anything. The other night, in sharing with some kids we were talking about faith and how faith isn't genuine unless it's fleshed out, unless you're DOING something. [James 2:14] The church leadership, empowering not for the purpose of less "work" but for the purpose of multiplying.

When it comes to small groups, intimacy is one thing that does draw close, but again, the intimacy with others can only come when at the most foundational level, we have that spiritual bond... and to get that spiritual bond... it's about intimacy with God first. Asking what that looks like.

3 key, and SO simple questions. ( at least this is what i remember)
where am i?
where do i want to be?
how do i get there?

Another big thing we chatted about was what it looks like to soak in the presence of the Lord. To just be with Him. Because the opposite of doing that is creating some sort of formula... we all know relationships aren't a formula, the way i've built one friendship is totally different than another, as is the way i choose to maintain them. she used the example of her puppy. (as i sit here with a pup next to me, it seems quite pertinent) we've done a couple two things together today, went for a walk a now we sit on a couch both so chill. and it's those "couch times" that are the soaking times. we don't DO anything, it's just enjoying each other... i had a conversation last night about how you can sometimes have that on the phone too, but it's not near as good as when you're just TOGETHER with a friend or loved one (or puppy!) and now, come together the thoughts...

so, sometimes, it feels like that relationship with God is really the phone sort of relationship, the one where you know he's on the other line, but it is not quite the same as being held or being able to see him... but the importance of those times of silence. silence being a true test of relationship and contentedness. so, this said, i asked, what do those times look like, and you know what i had it this morning PTL, it wasn't long, but really, i spent a few moments just sitting on the couch, eyes closed arms wide open just waiting. it wasn't a feeling or an emotion, it was simply a confidence that he was near...

Sometimes we just need a kick start, you know i have a scooter that the battery is dead dead dead, but the thing still works.. it's a kick start, a last resort when the things that normally work, don't. It's time to do something friends, being spiritually fat and lazy, well it only leads to fruitlessness.

So much more to say, but not now.

snooze day 2.

well, it's going well, PTL.  I honestly didn't think i would be able to do it.  snooze has become so engraved  into my life that the sloth literally might be considered an idol.  i'm not quite sure on that but i think thats accurate.  i  tried to go for a bike ride yesterday and found a road by accident that was about .7 miles at a pretty steep grade uphill.  after a VERY short time, i gave in and started walking up the hill.  .  .  well, i didn't know how big this hill was, and decided to go till the tippy top.  i got there, and realized i hadn't biked much, so i decided to go until a cross street.  i got pretty weary (ya, i'm out of shape!) so as i continued, i just wanted to give up, turn around and coast down the hill... then i heard a still small voice, "are you a quitter, or a presser-on-er?"  WOAH!  talk about revelation.  we need to be presser-on-ers moving ahead even when we don't feel like it, i made it to the end of the road, down the hill and i almost wanted to give up AGAIN on my journey back to the house, but perservering, and exhorting myself, i pressed on. 
they say, first in the natural, then in the Spirit, this is what i strive for and what i hope to attain throughout my life. . . its a journey of valleys and mountains folks.
i find myself living somewhere inbetween at the moment.  not sure if i'm headed up or down, but the one thing i do konw is i must keep moving pressing on toward the higher calling, realizing that  to be exalted i must be humbled.

lent.

it is a season upon us once again. 
so many thoughts of things to "give up" or possibly to build into our lives.  Tradition.  I accidentally stumbled into a catholic service this past sunday, and the priest was sharing about lent.  he mentioned that the importance of the season is to really die to self.  to die to sin, that Christ may live in us (how solid!) he really shared more on sin than i have heard from any pulpit i've heard recently.  it was refreshing.  (however, there were still little misnomers)... as i continue to reflect on what it looks like to turn from sin, it's really a hard hard lesson.  i'm realizing that it's not even something i can choose to do on my own strength, His grace alone is sufficient.  (And i'm glad it is!) So, what does lent look like?  does it look like giving up facebook, chocolate, fried food, or going to bed late... beer, cigarettes, or my ultimate drug (chipotle! he he he) ...  (all things i've heard or done).
this year, i think it's something different (for me at least) it's really what that preist said, RIDDING SELF OF SIN THAT GOD'S GLORY MIGHT COME FORWARD.  so sin, what sin?  for me, lets start out with the first one i commit nearly every day.  Laziness. . . blatant laziness. this happens in the first few seconds of my day. 
SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes] SNOOZE... [5 minutes]
okay okay you get the picture... i'm not exaggerating that much about the first hour of my day.  Throughout the Bible the Lord asks for the firstfruits.  the very best of our labor.  The most important part of our heart. 
Starting out a day lazy does several things: puts self above God, encourages careless behavior, puts you in a position of idleness, lets other priorities slip, or perhaps these are just some of the fuits in my own life. 
so folks, this year for lent, i'm going to surrender my snooze button.  initally this will probably look like setting my alarm an hour later.  but my hope is that it builds a discipline in me that honors God with the begining of my day, and helps me to fulfill the goals that i set aside for each day.

happy faschnaut day, aka, the last day waking with my dear friend, snooze.