better than expected?

i decided to set the day aside to be spontaneous and serve as much as i could.  it turned out, much better than i expected. PTL.  seriously, PTL!
family time, both immediate and extended, helping a friend make cupcakes and do some computer stuff, photos at a couples banquet, dinner @ chipotle!!  and then a hot tub in the snow under the stars discussing sharing faith stories and striving to spur one another on... watching the stars slowly unfold from a cloudy night and prayin that my heart would open in the same way. 
isa. 49.
rings true again and again.

happy valentines day...

okay, so trying not to be bitter, here goes nothing.  .  .
i don't look forward to tomorrow. . . i know it's just another day, but is it really?
society tells us it's a day for "love" a day for special memories and a day to show others how much you care about them. 
i live in a very self-centered world.  when we're gut honest, we all do.  and to be gut honest again, i plan on valentines day being awful.  some part of myself wants to send some really hurtful e-mails to certain individuals, but i'm not going to, it's not worth it . . . at the same time, when i look in my heart realizing that those thoughts are still swirling in my mind, i wonder if i ever really let go.  i wonder what that forgiveness looks like.  a year to the day was pretty darn hurtful.  leading me in a self-conscious downward spiral.  and i sit hear fearing that the same thing will happen again, that those i count as dear friends will desert me because they see parts of the real me. sure, i know this isn't alright but i tell myself it is.  this attitude that clings to the past for the sake of self.  are these the reasong that i continue in this lonly state.... full of comparing myself to another.  i surround my self with people i admire in hopes that they'll rub off on me, yet when i feel things take even the slightest away from me in relationship, i shrink back to avoid any hurt . . . it's easier to be surfacy than to bare yourself. 
i need to rest now.

t.s. elliot

And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
- T.S. Eliot

what a deep thought, one that i muddle around in my mind all the time... really, when our lives are over, we return to the Father, where we came from, but with no recollection of that time, it really stirs wonder in me that says "what was it like" or what was my 'existence' before i 'existed' a question that can leave you running circles in your head for hours upon hours.... and now i go to bed wondering the same thing... and praying for truth...

steadfastness.

this has got to be one thing that i LONG for.  you know, to really be steadfast, to not lose sight of what matters and to hear "well done good and faithful servant"...
i've spent some time wrestling with the will of God and the moral will vs. the practical will and how we can know that we know that it is God's will. 
the phrase "will of God" is seldom used throughout scripture, and mostly it's Paul saying he's _____ by the will of God.  we know it's God's will to be sanctified, thankful, servants of Christ, putting to silence ignorant people, and to abstain from sexual immorality. 
at the same time Christ came to do His Father's will, only doing what He saw done first.  what would it look like if i lived that way.
you know, love wins.
i sat in a car yesterday with a conversation about why i had it on the inside of my car instead of the outside, becuase it's really more  a message to me than to those around me, if i don't live in a way that is constantly loving, how can i expect and ask others to... this is the way Christ lived, and the only way we can be expected to live in the same way, He did it first.
some random thoughts, but really, i do want to be counted as steadfast...

"lauren's getting married"

ok... SO...
WHATEVER YOU DO, do not, i repeat DO NOT, answer the telephone when a member of the opposite sex calls in a room full of 4th grade girls, no matter who it is.... Yes, you've got it, they asked "is it a boy" i said, why yes, "oh oh oh pick it up, is he cute... do you like him... " ooh me oh my!!!
i listened to ECHOS of "lauren's getting married" for the rest of the evening... not the wisest move . . . but the girls had fun with it...

real thoughts on much more important matters come later, but this did humor me...

through Him who strengthens me...

spent a good conversation with a friend today... it was so encouraging, to remember that i can't do this, there is not a way in my being that i can become the woman that i want to... utterly, completely impossible. i have all these grandiose dreams and they're all talk, never any action. one thing this day and then the next its completely different...it leaves me fearful. it really does. If God is REALLY in control, then what does this all mean? well it means several things... that all my efforts are of no effect. at the same time, the biggest thing is God brings things in our path, and it's our choice how to react to them, i can look at circumstances and get down and respond negatively, or i can look at these circumstances and realize how much i've been given, and how much i've failed as well, it is quite a lot, believe it or not... to another friend i made a quick comment that it's always beautiful before the storm. . . she asked why i made that comment, and i kinda brushed it off to the side, perhaps because i didn't want to get into it at the moment, but i guess everytime my life feels at peace, is when something is about to happen. it's true... so very true... and i guess right now i'm in a relational nice-ness and it really leaves me feeling like a storm is brewing, it always seems to be that way. i guess at the moment, the biggest question is, will i let Him speak to the wind and the waves and calm the storm in me?

next time...

didn't leave you hanging too long there... did i?
well needless to say, i survived doing nothing, slept... a lot! and didn't get too lonely/bored somehow. Spent some time dreaming, some time in the Word, some time praying, and some time yes, knitting, what a shame that today i had to take it all out and start over, because i left a hole in like the 3rd row.. such is life... so many parallels from this knitting thing.
at one point i totally felt like a grandma, as i was sitting in a rocking chair, with a blanket over my lap, watching a movie and knitting.. LOL!!!! can you picture it?!?!
Today, i drove by the apartment and realized someone else lives there, someone else is now building memories there, and as i look back at the key i still have to open the door, i realize it will never be open to me again.
all this continues to set my head a spinning. . . and i suppose what makes it worse is when i realize that there are problems so big in the world, so much bigger than anything i am a part of and my eyes and my focus is namely on myself, and my short-comings rather than the places where i can be a change for others. . .
perhaps it's that late at night thing... maybe a little bit of self-pity, "we all wanna be loved", ain't that the truth?