where are your eyes?

yesterday, i realized that when we are looking intently at something people, even strangers can notice...
i was at the gym after reading a book, i saw on the tv, a news flash "RIP Gary" i must have been gazing at it so intently that as i left, the gentleman next to me goes "Gary Papa" and i said, "oh, did he have cancer", "5 years" the man replied.
so this man, this strange man could tell just by the way my eyes were fixed to the television that i was trying to figure out the very question i was pondering. 
now, this morning, i read luke 1:3-4 "It seemed good to me also, having followed all things closely for some time past to write an orderly account for you, most excellent Theophilus, that you may have certianty concerning the things you have been taught"
Luke followed all things closely, I'm pretty sure people could tell where his eyes were fixed. and he wanted others to have the same gaze.
next time someone notices my gaze, my prayer is that its on the things above and not on the things of earth.

$13.52

tonight as got in the car, i saw my "E light" glowing a bright orange, and realized that i needed to get myself some gas... so, it was about midnight, and i pulled into the wawa.  as i went to pay i started to look for my wallet, but alas it was nowhere to be seen (i later realized i had forgotten my jacket) i started scrounging in the car for whatever loose change i could find, i think i came to about 47¢ or something... then i made it to the trunk and saw it glowing (well not really but it shoulda been!) my little tupperware container of laundry money! the laundrymat only takes quarters so all that was in there was nickels, dimes & pennies... i shrugged my shoulders and went into the wawa with a sheepish grin.
i showed the woman the container, apologized profusely and began to count coins... creating piles of $1.00, 10 dimes... 60pennies, 2 nickels, 3 dimes....  20 nickels, the two beautiful quarters and 5 dimes... you name it... the end result $13.53 in left over laundry money.  this was able to purchase me 5 gallons of gas!
now, i'm not too big on the biblical numerology game anymore, but the number 5 typically signifies grace, and that's what this was.  totally 100%,undoubtedbly God's grace!  I rode home just simply thanking and praising Him.  when we think we have nothing, He supplies all our needs... who am i to say that He's not faithful... Oh, He is... really really He is.
Here He is working... 
--
"the grace of Jesus is not fully seen in our lives until weakness is fully experienced. You never really get the grace unless you see the need for it. And even that's a grace."
-James MacDonald

stagnant & afraid

i fear perhaps i've become stagnant it seems that the whole world is changing around me, and yet i'm here just exactly as i was just a few months ago...   well maybe not exactly... but maybe the difference is i feel the bad fruit out-weighing the good fruit at the moment... whatever happened to abiding?  there are great & prescious promises running through my mind but they're not constant enough to overcome the normalcy.   sometimes i just want to "live in a picture" it's easy when you remember the times arm in arm, shoulder to shoulder, and the laughter, the simple laughter.  now i fear that i've lost that, and it breaks my heart.  have i hardened myself?  what is going on?  i'm not sure
sometimes i feel more full of questions than answers... i miss having people to ask the questions... i miss having dreams, and i feel stuck... paralyzed by fear once again... there is nothing new under the sun... but the promise i hear is that its underneath the shadow that we are renewed...
i'm ready for the breaking point... for the change... it's gotta come...

it's been a while...

Well dear ones,
I'm not quite sure where i am write now, what is going on in my mind... why i feel like there is so much that needs to change in my heart, and at the same time why i feel like i'm sorta on the right track... tonight i facilitated Bible study and it went well, i mean i think it went really well.  it was good to see what happens when i put my mind to something, it had been a while since i poured myself into something like i poured myself into this... and i let God pour into me as well.   strangely, i feel like others got more out of it than i did this time around, which seems backwards... i feel as if i asked very pointed questions that i was able to excuse myself from truly answering, and then in a heart beat.. i wonder if i should have externalized my answers rather than letting others have control... i'm thankful that i was more of a guider than a teacher, and i really think it stayed within the Biblical grounds for a woman being "in charge" of guys...

it's really hit me in a somber way, thinking about the kids i used to spend time with, at my old church i had 3 kids that were about 10 years younger than me, and they were like my menteees, and now i have had no conversation with them for ages.  well, a couple years, but when i reflect on the relationships, it seems like forever.  just now, in thinking through being a doer of reconciliation, i contacted them, all 3 of them.  the 3 kids that knew my heart and opened their hearts to me... i really do fear what their response will be.  i wonder if there will be none, if it would be an attack, or what would happen if maybe, just maybe... things turned out for the good... or at least the way i perceive good to be.  sometimes i really do feel like i wasted the time building into their lives.  i can just think back on all the things we had done together, the way their parents trusted me, and the way the kids did too... i would love for things to be restored, to be made whole, but i'm not sure what that looks like, and sometimes i wonder if i would REALLY want that or if that is just a hopeles pipe dream with repercussions i dont' really want to deal with.  my heart is feeling "healed" for lack of a better word, because it's not really the best word, i was nearly in tears today thinking of these kids graduating, and realizing that they've grown up in formative years, with my absence wich a- didn't effect them b- really hurt them  c- made them stronger d- was confusing.  i essentially walked out of their lives, for no reason apparent to them, and i hope i don't leave them with repercussions of abandonment and dis-trust.   it would be easy for me to respond in that way... for i already have... in regards to their parents... please pray, i want to handle this in the best way... i really miss these kids.

firstfruits.

today, i spent a little bit of time thinking about firstfruits, and REALLY remembering how vital it is that we give that VERY FIRST and best portion to God... James 1:18 says we should be a kind of firstfruit of his creatures... i know this is a short thought, BUT, it's penetrating. . .
ask this question that i am asking myself,
am i living in a way that is offering MYSELF, my whole self, as a firstfruit to God?

it's easy to forget, but we have been given much.

fully convinced.

Romans 14:23.
"But whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin."
The whole chapter of Romans 14 just floored me.  Looking at my life and seeing the words  "fully convinced"  (14:5 as an echo of Abraham in 4:21) I want to be FULLY CONVINCED.  These men of God, lived in a way so that they could not be persuaded to disobey God ...14:7- for none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone.  If we live, we live to the Lord and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

I am thankful for today has been a day of restfulness.  Now, I must start my work.

reflection on job.

this evening at Bible study we discussed Job... A man living before the law, but upright, and he feared God.  satan came to God, and God SUGGESTED satan try Job.  "Have you considered my servant Job?"  we discussed how God was essentially bragging about Job, so proud of the decisions that he made, and really knew that Job would "pass the test"...  this left me humbled, remembering that God allows us to be tried, but he also is so full of grace. he is proud as a father when we make the right choice for the right reason.
This is still ragging on me... that God might just be proud of me too... the question now comes to... what decisions in my life am i making where i know that i know that God is proud?