it's been a while...

Well dear ones,
I'm not quite sure where i am write now, what is going on in my mind... why i feel like there is so much that needs to change in my heart, and at the same time why i feel like i'm sorta on the right track... tonight i facilitated Bible study and it went well, i mean i think it went really well.  it was good to see what happens when i put my mind to something, it had been a while since i poured myself into something like i poured myself into this... and i let God pour into me as well.   strangely, i feel like others got more out of it than i did this time around, which seems backwards... i feel as if i asked very pointed questions that i was able to excuse myself from truly answering, and then in a heart beat.. i wonder if i should have externalized my answers rather than letting others have control... i'm thankful that i was more of a guider than a teacher, and i really think it stayed within the Biblical grounds for a woman being "in charge" of guys...

it's really hit me in a somber way, thinking about the kids i used to spend time with, at my old church i had 3 kids that were about 10 years younger than me, and they were like my menteees, and now i have had no conversation with them for ages.  well, a couple years, but when i reflect on the relationships, it seems like forever.  just now, in thinking through being a doer of reconciliation, i contacted them, all 3 of them.  the 3 kids that knew my heart and opened their hearts to me... i really do fear what their response will be.  i wonder if there will be none, if it would be an attack, or what would happen if maybe, just maybe... things turned out for the good... or at least the way i perceive good to be.  sometimes i really do feel like i wasted the time building into their lives.  i can just think back on all the things we had done together, the way their parents trusted me, and the way the kids did too... i would love for things to be restored, to be made whole, but i'm not sure what that looks like, and sometimes i wonder if i would REALLY want that or if that is just a hopeles pipe dream with repercussions i dont' really want to deal with.  my heart is feeling "healed" for lack of a better word, because it's not really the best word, i was nearly in tears today thinking of these kids graduating, and realizing that they've grown up in formative years, with my absence wich a- didn't effect them b- really hurt them  c- made them stronger d- was confusing.  i essentially walked out of their lives, for no reason apparent to them, and i hope i don't leave them with repercussions of abandonment and dis-trust.   it would be easy for me to respond in that way... for i already have... in regards to their parents... please pray, i want to handle this in the best way... i really miss these kids.