stagnant & afraid

i fear perhaps i've become stagnant it seems that the whole world is changing around me, and yet i'm here just exactly as i was just a few months ago...   well maybe not exactly... but maybe the difference is i feel the bad fruit out-weighing the good fruit at the moment... whatever happened to abiding?  there are great & prescious promises running through my mind but they're not constant enough to overcome the normalcy.   sometimes i just want to "live in a picture" it's easy when you remember the times arm in arm, shoulder to shoulder, and the laughter, the simple laughter.  now i fear that i've lost that, and it breaks my heart.  have i hardened myself?  what is going on?  i'm not sure
sometimes i feel more full of questions than answers... i miss having people to ask the questions... i miss having dreams, and i feel stuck... paralyzed by fear once again... there is nothing new under the sun... but the promise i hear is that its underneath the shadow that we are renewed...
i'm ready for the breaking point... for the change... it's gotta come...

it's been a while...

Well dear ones,
I'm not quite sure where i am write now, what is going on in my mind... why i feel like there is so much that needs to change in my heart, and at the same time why i feel like i'm sorta on the right track... tonight i facilitated Bible study and it went well, i mean i think it went really well.  it was good to see what happens when i put my mind to something, it had been a while since i poured myself into something like i poured myself into this... and i let God pour into me as well.   strangely, i feel like others got more out of it than i did this time around, which seems backwards... i feel as if i asked very pointed questions that i was able to excuse myself from truly answering, and then in a heart beat.. i wonder if i should have externalized my answers rather than letting others have control... i'm thankful that i was more of a guider than a teacher, and i really think it stayed within the Biblical grounds for a woman being "in charge" of guys...

it's really hit me in a somber way, thinking about the kids i used to spend time with, at my old church i had 3 kids that were about 10 years younger than me, and they were like my menteees, and now i have had no conversation with them for ages.  well, a couple years, but when i reflect on the relationships, it seems like forever.  just now, in thinking through being a doer of reconciliation, i contacted them, all 3 of them.  the 3 kids that knew my heart and opened their hearts to me... i really do fear what their response will be.  i wonder if there will be none, if it would be an attack, or what would happen if maybe, just maybe... things turned out for the good... or at least the way i perceive good to be.  sometimes i really do feel like i wasted the time building into their lives.  i can just think back on all the things we had done together, the way their parents trusted me, and the way the kids did too... i would love for things to be restored, to be made whole, but i'm not sure what that looks like, and sometimes i wonder if i would REALLY want that or if that is just a hopeles pipe dream with repercussions i dont' really want to deal with.  my heart is feeling "healed" for lack of a better word, because it's not really the best word, i was nearly in tears today thinking of these kids graduating, and realizing that they've grown up in formative years, with my absence wich a- didn't effect them b- really hurt them  c- made them stronger d- was confusing.  i essentially walked out of their lives, for no reason apparent to them, and i hope i don't leave them with repercussions of abandonment and dis-trust.   it would be easy for me to respond in that way... for i already have... in regards to their parents... please pray, i want to handle this in the best way... i really miss these kids.

firstfruits.

today, i spent a little bit of time thinking about firstfruits, and REALLY remembering how vital it is that we give that VERY FIRST and best portion to God... James 1:18 says we should be a kind of firstfruit of his creatures... i know this is a short thought, BUT, it's penetrating. . .
ask this question that i am asking myself,
am i living in a way that is offering MYSELF, my whole self, as a firstfruit to God?

it's easy to forget, but we have been given much.

fully convinced.

Romans 14:23.
"But whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin."
The whole chapter of Romans 14 just floored me.  Looking at my life and seeing the words  "fully convinced"  (14:5 as an echo of Abraham in 4:21) I want to be FULLY CONVINCED.  These men of God, lived in a way so that they could not be persuaded to disobey God ...14:7- for none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone.  If we live, we live to the Lord and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

I am thankful for today has been a day of restfulness.  Now, I must start my work.

reflection on job.

this evening at Bible study we discussed Job... A man living before the law, but upright, and he feared God.  satan came to God, and God SUGGESTED satan try Job.  "Have you considered my servant Job?"  we discussed how God was essentially bragging about Job, so proud of the decisions that he made, and really knew that Job would "pass the test"...  this left me humbled, remembering that God allows us to be tried, but he also is so full of grace. he is proud as a father when we make the right choice for the right reason.
This is still ragging on me... that God might just be proud of me too... the question now comes to... what decisions in my life am i making where i know that i know that God is proud?

to the 4th graders... but to you too!

There is really nothing more that i would like to encourage you in that the best friend that you have is Jesus. He is always there to listen, someone to cry to and He will never leave you. Sometimes though, we need somebody "with skin on" a person to talk to, to be held by, somebody who comforts. The best place you will find this is with somebody who is a follower of Christ, I have found with my friends, i have the most encouragement, the best comfort and understanding is from those girl friends that are Christians, following God with their full heart... they have been there through the good and the bad... there's no need to hide anything, but to be honest and know that they love and accept me as i am and desire to see me become more like Christ.  I want to leave you encouraging you to not only look for friends like that, but more to BE A FRIEND LIKE THAT.  Jesus commands us to love our neighbor as ourselves, that means you must love others as you want to be loved.  you must listen as you want to be listened to.  hug like you want to be hugged.  and really just put somebody else's desires first.  it is in this you will uncover the most meaningful relationships... i love you girls.

Oh Jonah!

tonight i was humbled by the story of jonah, thinking about him RUNNING the opposite way of God's will, while still acknowledging God... seeing that he knew what to do and found no place for repenance in his heart, 3 days three long days of silence until he finally cried out to God, oh how stubborn!  (how much like me!?)  Jonah then being set free from this captivity by desire stirred... only then to be frustrated when GOD's will occurs and the people are brought to repentance. 
what an amazing story  what an encouragement...

where are the places that i see missing spots missing inklings of grace and the holes for truth... SPEAK THE TRUTH AND LIVE.

-peace.