worship thoughts.

reflecting during worship this evening. "new songs made old" and not my heart anymore...
what do these songs say about our genearation:
- inside out
-mighty to save
- never let go

---
we long for faithfulness
have a desperate need for truth
the broken hearts are beating
with the promise of new life
the cross in front of me
here my salvation lies
a bloody savior, and yet reigning king
beckons my heart to come.
i cannot stand this sight
looking through my sin.

and then...

so and then there was a time and a place where i wanted to go back to . . . not that the times are bad now, i mean PTL, i'm so blessed.  blessed with friends i cannot cease  to be thankful enough for, blessed with flexibility and blessed with the very Spirit of God.  What an amazing realization there are times and there are seasons in life, and i'm not quite sure i can put a finger on if i like that fact or not...
you know, i was watching slumdog millionare the other night, and reflecting on how little the majority of the world has, and how even after being in such poor countries, and many desolate lands, i can't help but STILL see people not so much as a life, but more as a number, or a sad face... it's a really discouraging thought... to realize that many of the faces that i walk by i don't look at as living beings....
i'm attempting to be more intentional in my conversations, to realize the heart of people.  to see beyond myself and my circumstances, sometimes it works, other times i get caught up in the everyday life. . . there are places i want to go and lives i want to touch, but is this because i just want to be woven into someone else's story?  i'm not quite sure. 
sometimes still, i get lost in my grandeous thougths of what life would be like if i could plan it out the way i want it, and the sad condition of my heart doesn't make it out to be better for the majority of the world... just those i interact with... so, then i sit here and think... how can i continue to live beyond myself... beyond my joys and my frustrations, and REALLY, TRULY, HONESTLY seek first the kingdom of heaven.

Isaiah

I've been attempting to read through Isaiah. kinda went about it backwards, 40-66, then i started at the begining...
yesterday, i was in Isaiah 7.
i stopped in my tracks when i came to verse 9.

if you are not firm in faith,
you will not be firm at all.

It's still on my heart well over 24 hours later.

today, this stings.

“Why do you call me Lord, Lord,
and not do what I tell you? “

–Luke 6:46

It is probably the hardest question that I can ask myself. . . it rings so true in my heart. This comes after the commandment to love enemies and not judge. These are the continual struggles of a human being, and the only way to overcome is to be on the rock, the foundation that stands in the midst of the storm, and to walk in the Spirit.

vacation...

wow, so much good to share in the past few days, God has worked greatly, here's a slice.
time spent discussing fledgling relationships with friends, and aiming for negativity to be stilled.
good chats with good friends, and times of rest too.

spending time with a mentor who drove me to understand reconciliation a little more, ministering to the kids at church one-on-one in the exact way they needed it! Totally Spirit at work revealing love to them, and exposing sin gently, and the beautiful thing was when THEY were they ones to say "you mean...." Spirit conviction not my words.

Bible study conversations that gave a real and memorable focus on prayer, and really drove us to our knees together.

now, yesterday, a road trip to a new place (kinda needed it) getting out on the road, 5 people in a little car for 5 hours, hitting up a random diner on the way, ordering "touchdowns" (egg, frenchtoast,pancake, bacon, sausage, coffee/tea, and oj) all for $3.95! then seeing new scenes and discussing life, joys, and God. learning that it really tears down walls to ask heart questions, and most of the time, the walls are within yourself.

there have been a lot of good laughs, spontanetiy, and now, i go to feed my Spirit. before everyone gets back from the slopes in an hour...

realizing the irony in a town where everything is either amazingly pristine, or decrepit and needs tearing down. there's no room for middle ground in these parts. there should be no middle ground in our lives either.

thats all folks, more to come eventually.

two open hearts and four open ears.

what a fantastic view.  i feel like i've had this sort of conversation every night this week.  i feel like it's a good place to be where you have a conversation and you leave wanting to be more Christ-like.  exploring within your own self, and with somebody else huge and foundational topics like God-style love.  It's really refreshing, and i believe a reflection of where i'm striving to be.  i'm striving to ask those hard questions of myself.  and when i see them and examine them, THEN i ask them of someone else to see if there are blind spots.... hypocrasies, or failures. 
i want to echo the cry of psalm 17, espcially v3: "You have tried my heart, you have visited me by night, you have tested me, and you will find nothing; I have purposed that my mouth will not transgress."
yes, that's it!  i pray that daily i get there...
thoughts about perspective, proximity, and memories, letting go of the past and embracing grace... all these good things in my mind.  i went for a prayer walk aroudn town today first time i did that in a long time, it was nice to get my eyes off self and brought back where they belong. 
ALL THINGS WILL BE MADE NEW

fire, prayer, life.

okay, so i promised some more positive thoughts . . . .

today i spent some time listening to some teachings on prayer. . . we're going to be talking about prayer in Bible study so i deemed it beneficial.

So, here goes, when i think about prayer, i often will think about sitting quietly in a room by myself, sometimes offering up "thoughts" to God or perhaps being in a place of submission.  i'll think of offering requests to God, rather than simply being satisfied in Christ.  Now, here's something big. . .

Fire, tribulation... these are two qualities that are not to be ignored when it comes to prayer.  I have spent time considering how to pray, and how to be sanctified... i think the two go together.  Becoming more like Christ . . . not only in his glory or the positive things, but also ...  Phil 3:10 "that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death"  how often do we ignore second half of that verse, SHARING IN HIS SUFFERING BECOMING LIKE HIM IN HIS DEATH. . .

so prayer, what is it?  something i'm ready to understand and partake in more fully.

so seriously.

i don't get it.

forget it.

i quit.

finished.

that's it . . .


maybe i just need a break.
 
it would be nice to close my eyes for a year, for two to let the world and life pass by, so i could be in the next stage of my life without having to go through steps to get there.  I'm not sure what's going on in my head, why i can't stop thinking and the only way to stop is to distract myself, and when i distract myself i am numb to the world.  when i'm numb to the world, then i give up when i give up i start to think, why have i done that, and then i distract myself...  what a vicious cycle. it leaves me here, REALLY wandering, not only in the fact that i've slept in 4 different beds in the past 4 nights but also in the my discipline, it doesn't help, here i am, most nights this week, well past 2am and i just can't stop my brain from working, i tire myself out, but just lay, and write, and think and offer up prayers of frustration.  i don't have anywhere to turn.  i don't even know what's going on...

i've found when i genuinely put others ahead of me, i know something bigger than myself, the moments i forget, i lose sight... stuff doesn't satisfy.  busyness doesn't nor does silence. 
are these just tired thoughts that are all meaningless...

there are some positive thoughts please don't worry TOOOO much.  ok?

regardlessiamamessrightnow