at long last.

its been a while since i have updated this, i am here in switzerland at the moment.  and i am not sure what to write, what to share, its been amazing, the adventures, the times spent, i question my maturity at times and wonder what it looks like to get out of this rut.  i wonder why i äm so stuck and how i can do this.  i just want life to be the way it was created to be....

striving to live this out...

Things have been, well changing lately, and i suppose the biggest place where things are changing are in my heart... that's a good thing.
trying to slow down, do things like obey the speed limit, and notice the effect it has on my so constant "hurried" attitude, my schedule is not more important than the law...

anyways, another big thing i'm working at being conscious of is hospitality and genuine love for all... like a pharisee, i find it very easy to love those that i KNOW love me...but to reach out to one that i perceive doesn't like me, or one that i don't know at all, this is a little more difficult.
"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace." 1 Peter 4:8-9

life lesson from photography

so today i was studying a little bit about a good work flow for a photographer, and i was reading about the initial deletion stage, and something really perked my eyes... the suggestion was not to delete the bad photos but rather to mark the good photos, the ones that make you step back and say "wow".  And as you do that, you will inevitably delete the bad ones after the fact.  And you can do it all at once... talk about separating the wheat from the tares!

how true that is in our lives as well.  we have a choice, we can look out for the negative and rid ourselves of it, or we can look for the good and relish in it.  I know i'm pretty bad at this, but in reality we're given the grace to do such a big and impossible thing. 

Lord, open my eyes to see the good...

one hand on the gas, one hand on the brake.

this is the place i feel that i am living, today  i watched a friend semi-lose control on a scooter because of this very situation.  i now, sit here and simply shake my head, and chuckle, because i feel my life spinning in that control-less-ness.  its wanting to move on, but still holding onto that 'one last thing'... looking for a soft place to land because you know you're out of control and not quite sure how to ask for help.  ya, really i felt it on the inside as i watched it on the outside.  that's all i'm going to say here.

where are your eyes?

yesterday, i realized that when we are looking intently at something people, even strangers can notice...
i was at the gym after reading a book, i saw on the tv, a news flash "RIP Gary" i must have been gazing at it so intently that as i left, the gentleman next to me goes "Gary Papa" and i said, "oh, did he have cancer", "5 years" the man replied.
so this man, this strange man could tell just by the way my eyes were fixed to the television that i was trying to figure out the very question i was pondering. 
now, this morning, i read luke 1:3-4 "It seemed good to me also, having followed all things closely for some time past to write an orderly account for you, most excellent Theophilus, that you may have certianty concerning the things you have been taught"
Luke followed all things closely, I'm pretty sure people could tell where his eyes were fixed. and he wanted others to have the same gaze.
next time someone notices my gaze, my prayer is that its on the things above and not on the things of earth.

$13.52

tonight as got in the car, i saw my "E light" glowing a bright orange, and realized that i needed to get myself some gas... so, it was about midnight, and i pulled into the wawa.  as i went to pay i started to look for my wallet, but alas it was nowhere to be seen (i later realized i had forgotten my jacket) i started scrounging in the car for whatever loose change i could find, i think i came to about 47¢ or something... then i made it to the trunk and saw it glowing (well not really but it shoulda been!) my little tupperware container of laundry money! the laundrymat only takes quarters so all that was in there was nickels, dimes & pennies... i shrugged my shoulders and went into the wawa with a sheepish grin.
i showed the woman the container, apologized profusely and began to count coins... creating piles of $1.00, 10 dimes... 60pennies, 2 nickels, 3 dimes....  20 nickels, the two beautiful quarters and 5 dimes... you name it... the end result $13.53 in left over laundry money.  this was able to purchase me 5 gallons of gas!
now, i'm not too big on the biblical numerology game anymore, but the number 5 typically signifies grace, and that's what this was.  totally 100%,undoubtedbly God's grace!  I rode home just simply thanking and praising Him.  when we think we have nothing, He supplies all our needs... who am i to say that He's not faithful... Oh, He is... really really He is.
Here He is working... 
--
"the grace of Jesus is not fully seen in our lives until weakness is fully experienced. You never really get the grace unless you see the need for it. And even that's a grace."
-James MacDonald

stagnant & afraid

i fear perhaps i've become stagnant it seems that the whole world is changing around me, and yet i'm here just exactly as i was just a few months ago...   well maybe not exactly... but maybe the difference is i feel the bad fruit out-weighing the good fruit at the moment... whatever happened to abiding?  there are great & prescious promises running through my mind but they're not constant enough to overcome the normalcy.   sometimes i just want to "live in a picture" it's easy when you remember the times arm in arm, shoulder to shoulder, and the laughter, the simple laughter.  now i fear that i've lost that, and it breaks my heart.  have i hardened myself?  what is going on?  i'm not sure
sometimes i feel more full of questions than answers... i miss having people to ask the questions... i miss having dreams, and i feel stuck... paralyzed by fear once again... there is nothing new under the sun... but the promise i hear is that its underneath the shadow that we are renewed...
i'm ready for the breaking point... for the change... it's gotta come...