a day to do nothing.

a sabbath of sorts, really a day to relax, to spend on God, and not be so concerned with "work" or spending heaps of time with people. genuinely a day to spend myself on loving God. to reinforce old disciplines, and maybe learn a new hobby (do i hear knitting needles clinking?) now, i will rest a real picture of the way i've viewed life as of late, stay up as late as possible maintain relationships at all costs, and always, always always be the last to leave... and sometimes the first to come too! today my hope is for things to be different, to be diligent in study, fervent in prayer and to take a deep look at where i am and where my passions lie...
until next time...

blogging with one less finger.

OK, so its not as bad as it sounds, but i am needing to readjust my typing skills... today, i decided to wake up early and go to work so i could leave early and go to new york for the majority of the day, needless to say, i didn't get enough sleep... i decided to eat a bagel for breakfast, and as i sliced it in half, i also sliced open the top of my finger... well, lets be honest, i cut off a chunk of my finger tip... it bled for about 2 hours before i went to the hospital to get it cauterized... PTL that stopped the bleeding!!! but man does it hurt.
lesson learned?
don't handle sharp objects with not enough sleep. exhibit self control and wise planning skills, and keep a sense of humor, i was blessed by a friend who when i told her about my situation, responded, "i'll pray for your figure"... needless to say she ment finger, but totally left me laughing more than i have in a while :)
now, the healing process starts, i have a feeling, this will hurt for a LONG time...

and so the story goes...

often times, it is easy to over look sin in our lives. i suppose this comes when i'm comfortable with life the way it is. there's need to honor and fear God. the most important thing we can continue to do in our life is to repent. to continually turn back to God. Even when the loom of doubt is great, and when we feel there's nothing else to gain. could this attitude that we don't want to repent... of course we're the best and we've got it all together, don't come after me, because if you do, you'll be in trouble, don't you dare question what i'm doing, or the way i'm trying my hardest to live...could this be sloth and pride?
seeing others and wanting what they have when it's not our lot in life, when we have been given the gifts that God wants us to use, and we complain that what we don't have isn't good enoug.. envy and lust?
and oh, spiritual gluttony, taking taking taking, and never ever not even for a half a second giving. how often am i guilty of this? where are the opprotunities i am over looking and how can i be selfless in that giving.
and anger.does not take much, to really be slow to anger and quick to love, this would be truly overcoming for me. rather than focusing on my self or my inconveniences, letting love cover a multitude of sins. . . what a glory, what a testimony, what a lofty goal, something that can only be accomplished through humility...

moving on out...

the freedom, i feel it taken away. . . i'm not sure if its a good thing or not i'm sure there is a lesson to be learned here, maybe about independence and dependence... i've brought an air mattress into my apartment for old times sake... one more week i can have here, and i think i might just live it out... i didn't realize how much i missed having a "home" a place to call mine.  i know i cannot afford it on my own, i know another woman is moving in here in 8 days, but some part of me doesn't want to let go.  so i sleep on a borrowed green mattress in a sleeping bag and a caseless pillow... a room full of boxes and perfectly patched walls.  i feel like a visitor in my own "home"
i wonder what it would look like to have a home, this place REALLY was home... its been well over 2 years... two different roommates, many many friends.  memories that were built and changed my life... and now, the wwalls are bare, its not home, its an empty shell... it's not the same, no it will never be the same.  . . i know this.  it's been too easy to just let the time slide, i haven't slept here in more than a month, and its not until i lay here that its really hit.  things are changing and i don't know that i'm ready for this, until now its all been a hypothetical, a packing up, but never alone.  now, as i sit here alone, and it's completely different...i suppose it always is that way.

church thoughts...

you know, i've really had a hard time adjusting to church situations in the past couple years, several times, i will admit that i've been close to just about giving up on the thought of going to church, and just living in community with friends seemed to be a better solution than finding a body to call home... but you know what, i miss it...
today, i decided to give God almost an ultimatum.  like, this is my last week here unless i see you move... (ya, maybe a wrong attitude i will admit) but at the same time... i also prayed that God would give me a right heart to make the choice to see the good.  and i went in there, and you know what... I SAW THE GOOD.  I left encouraged and challenged.  I left taking something home... thinking about John the Baptist and the importance of repentance! THE EXACT THING SO MUCH ON MY HEART! then i went to the evening service with the same attitude... and oh man, bueess, what ... SAME THING, another issue that presses on my heart so often, and i left convicted and ready to do something...
friends, be sure your heart is submissive.  when mine is focused on God, no matter the circumstance things are 'better' or at least have a better outlook and perspective...

take it captive...

Last night, we spent time talking about temptation and taking our thoughts captive... so, its a daily CHOICE we need to make... today i will chose to

take captive the thought that i can trust in my own strength...and replace that haunting thought with a trust in God through all circumstances, easy to say, difficult to live.

Here is truth from Jeremiah 17:5-10 that brought that on.

Thus says the Lord: Cursed is the man who makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord.

He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord.

He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and it is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?

I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give to every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.

An Adventure in denver...

often times we weep over the circumstances in our lives, i however for a moment, wept over my heart and not what happened.  The utter selfishness that resides in me. and the judgment of imperfect human beings, the truth is... we're all imperfect human beings...

This is my second mishap with the Denver international airport.  both times trying to get to philadelphia. . . I think some part of me just wants to go home.  but i don't know where home is... i suppose the only home we will ever have is with the Lord.  But where on earth do i belong?  is it here... in Denver, how did i end up here tonight?!  Such an oddity.  Really.  I'm blessed to have a second home here.  I'm blessed with "family" and friends...

Its inconsistencies in the law... both times.  based on past experience that does it....  You know, "knowing" the right thing, but not DOING it... faithfully, completely.  this is where i am.  I'm such a half hearted, person perhaps.  Caught in my transgression.  They almost called the cops... called the cops!  Because i stood for what i had experienced even 4 hours before as okay... What a half truth.  what a post modern, what's okay for you is what's okay for you and i'll read the law the way i want to...

really, i'm wondering, how often do i live in the letter of the law, the letter that i read the way to please me, rather than the spirit of the law.  it's really the spirit of the law that is more rigid.  more convicting, and deeper. 

So, I got on the plane in Montana today with 3 bags : a camera case, a laptop bag, and a backpack.  when i got to denver, i ate lunch and then waited for my flight.  i was on the phone with a friend, and mildly distracted throughout the boarding process.  i hand the woman my ticket and she says, "you're going to need to check one of those bags" I said, "well, i've carried these on for several flights, including one today, and it's my impression that the baggage regulation allows me to bring a bag of photographic equipment, a laptop, as well as a personal item. and this is what i have done."  needless to say, she didn't like that and asked me to either check or consolidate, and since consolidation wasn't an option she began to fill out a check form.  I asked if she was serious, because i did not want to check my equipment.  she said "yes" i said that i wanted to see the baggage policy... she called some rude manage man over who printed out the policy and pointed out where i was "wrong", the problem is the way it is worded is so vague and poorly written that it can be read either way, i said again "i carried this on for the rest of my trip" she says "well, its a $20,000 fine if i let you carry on that bag and i'm not going to lose my job over it." then the man goes "you have two options, check the bag or stay here in denver" i said "well, i really don't want to check this bag" he got more threatening and intimidating... i asked my self (and my friend if it was worth fighting, the response was no).  but i was already pretty deep into it, i threw in the towel, and along with the towel, was my backpack which i lobbed over the little divider to say, "fine, check it" and apparently, the dude thought i threw it at him.  and he took the authority to revoke my ticket, cancel it, and tell me i was not going home tonight, and certainly not on his airline.  and then, he mentioned, that for that matter, i'd never be able to fly united again...  yes, folks, that's essentially black listed...

it was about the time i threw in the towel/bag that i began to change my heart.  to make the choice to change.  and i suppose it was too late to reap the consequences of the repentance.  for i got the consequences of my actions.  there i was, stuck.  realizing that i have one advocate in heaven.  but alas, maybe i had an advocate on earth too... i called my travel agent, and she tried everything in her power, but she said it was too much, nothing that can be done about the ticket.  around this time i really started to panic... i apologized to the guy and asked if there was anything that could be done, that i was tired and frustrated and just wanted to go home, he basically shrugged his shoulders again, said "not on my airline" and said that if i didn't leave he was going to call the cops.  the travel agent suggested trying to go back one more time, so i did, he basically said "not you again, go away, you have 30 seconds before i call the cops" ... went to customer service 20 minutes later and calmly shared my story the guy was like, ya i know it's documented here... the cops were out looking for you...  i understand if i can't go home on this ticket, or on your airline, i made a mistake and am willing to pay for that, but i'd really like to be able to fly with you again, at least in like a month... his response was, "don't worry you'll be fine in a month, we'll take care of it now" ...

i then spent a few minutes calling around to find a ride and a place to spend the night . . .

the agent had done some searching for flights in the morning and was finding $300+ for one ways home.  praise the Lord, i found a $111 flight on southwest.  what a God send.  so basically i have a $111 night here in denver.   3 conversations for $111 with some amazing friends, and a chance to eat a burrito too... $111 to see grace and love, but justice at the same time.  I didn't get a free ride.  but i am very blessed to not pay the full cost the guy thought he was punishing me with.  my hope is to be obedient with this spontaneous time and flight to follow the Spirit's lead.

i just wanted to go home... i wonder, maybe, i found it here by accident...ya, home in denver, but really home in a Father's chastisement, and care..

my heart aches at this selfishness and anger.  and the bad fruit it brought today.  trying to bend the rules just a little more to my liking.  may my eyes and heart be tuned to righteousness...

Lord, have mercy.