Atlantic City's Blessing in Disguise

I was in Atlantic City, New Jersey for a photography job, right in the heart of the casino town at the "Trump Taj Mahal." Since I needed to bring camera equipment inside, I decided valet parking was a worthy expense. (And tax write-off!) I left my keys with the valet, he gave me a yellow pick up ticket and I continued to my room and the event.

My alarm went off at 5:00 AM so I could drive 40 minutes to Ocean City for the sunrise. Not being a morning person, I needed to keep telling myself "the sunrise will be worth it!" I reached in my jacket pocket to pull out my valet ticket only to realize that it wasn't there.

Instantly, I panicked and my mind went to the worst possible scenario. "I'm in a gambling town full of drunks... Some man picked up my ticket off the ground, handed it to the valet, took my car and now I am stranded. Why did I leave my passport and Credit Card in there?" Groggily, I walked down to the pick up window and explained my situation. I described my car, give them my license plate number and waited for an eternity (I glared at the clock and worried about missing the sunrise!), the man comes down and says, "I couldn't find a car like you described... I would say your Subaru is definitely silver."

I discover a meticulously clean car with a baby seat inside. Nothing like the messy car I had described, and certainly the wrong license plate number. I began to be frustrated at the workers, but mainly at myself for losing my ticket, I felt hopeless as I continued to focus on the worst of possibilities. He took a second look and delivers my vehicle. I thanked him for my car and hurried to watch the sunrise. I arrived at the beach 10 minutes after the sunrise, but ironically the fog was so dense that the sunrise was a complete whiteout.

I laughed at the situation and realized my frustration and worry was pointless. Often it is the small inconveniences and changes in plans that cause me the worst stress. How do you typically respond when a change in plans detours your life? Share an example of a blessing in disguise you've experienced.

Permission to Feel Foolish

At the beginning of the year, I set a goal to do new things. Many of my friends said this was not a challenging goal because I constantly try different activities. In a short amount of time I changed my goal to "I will participate in out of character activities." In less than 3 weeks, I've gone on a blind date, made a dentist appointment for the first time in 4 years, and attended Zumba class.

One of the high school students I work with was hosting a "zumbathon" as a fundraiser. Zumba is an exercise program in the form of Latin dance and I decided it was in alignment with my goal for 2012 to attend this activity. I warned the student "I think I'm going to DIE" and "you have no concept of how uncoordinated I am." "Did you know Several years back, I spent time with a dance team and I ended up in the emergency room from warming up with them?" "Many will claim they having two left feet, well I think I have three!" Every line I could think of ran through my brain to get out of this.

Needless to say, my roommate and I pulled into the parking lot, took a deep breath and timidly walked into the building. A man met us there and asked us if we had ever done Zumba before, we both responded with a nervous grin, "never". His response was profound, "If you think you look stupid, you're doing it right." These words said in jest to provoke a laugh or bring comfort actually were deeper than this man will ever know.

I would not consider the time a success by comparison with the other ladies participating. However, with permission to feel foolish, I enjoyed the time and remembered life is not about comparing yourself to someone else.

As I consider stretching my character in 2012, meeting new people, and standing face to face with insecurity, I am going to remember those words. "If you think you look stupid, you're doing it right."

- What do you avoid for fear of failure?

- How can you give yourself permission to feel foolish, and in turn overcome that fear?

Prayer

"one of the best ways, apart from those painful experiences of failure, to learn dependence us to develop the discipline if prayer. This forces us in a tangible way to acknowledge our dependence on the Holy Spirit. This is true because, for whatever else we may say about prayer, it is a recognition of our helplessness and absolute dependence on God." - Jerry Bridges

This hits me really hard in such a good way. So often I think I can only learn from the times I mess up. I can only see growth because I did something wrong. In this case, the only way I realize that I need God is when I do something that screams "ah haha, you left God behind that time."
If Christ can admit "by myself I can do nothing"(John 5:30) who in the world am i to think otherwise? That i have strength to accomplish something. I fail... Yes I fail a lot. The truth is you do to. But if I am living in a place of utter dependence, I am acknowledging He is dependable. As I realize that I need the Holy Spirit to give me every bit of strength I have, and in turn ask for it. then my life would be lived radically different... How about yours?(rhetorical)

if the church was really doing it's job...

how much poverty and need would exist in the world?
in an ideal world, there would be less fear, and more open arms.
in an ideal world, there would be healing and peace.
in an ideal world, there would be hope.
how do you respond when you see hopelessness?

the go to.

community is a fascinating aspect of life.  some part of me would admit to making it an obsession in my life.  most of the time it's for a noble purpose, but every once in a while, i wonder if i build community to find a "go to" mickey has minnie.  harry has sally.  wilma has fred. lucy has ricky.  I have _______ well sometimes it feels like i have no one.  

I spend a lot of my time around people  that have their go to. .. and here i sit musing... is there really a go to in this world?  is there really that one... the phantom of my heart says i he's out there.  but the reality of my situation screams (sometimes with anger at other moments in peace), be content. 
As It is time to make decisions, alas it always is.  Maybe the solution is to stop looking for the go to... the truth is no one on earth will ever totally fulfill that role... it's a heavenly void.

memories...

i spent some time tonight with some old friends.  ones that i haven't seen in a while, but used to spend every waking moment with.  Again i come to the point and ask myself why have i changed... or have they changed?  

I have a friend that often times would use the line "you've been replaced" when she felt a season in friendship was done, it was such a harsh line and i didn't quite know how to handle it at the time, the truth is i still don't... 

i still wonder if i know how to maintain long term relationships.  i suppose i'm seeing more and more the need for them to be two-way, and my fear is honestly that i'm not really on the receiving end all that often...sometimes i suppose i just want to throw in the towel and say "you contact me".  but if i don't pursue friendships, then i honestly don't think i wouldn't have any.  it's such a viscous and selfish cycle really...

seasons change i'm not afraid of that... but at a raw level, i am afraid of being alone.

happy new year

you know what that means?  

a lot of writing, reflecting and looking forward, joys, pains, and celebrations.  last year ended with a celebration.  and now who knows what is on the blank page ahead.  yet, in all of this i wonder, why don't we live with a blank page everyday... 

such joy awaits us...

5 nomadic nights

5 nights and 5 beds 5 families.  there was a season a while back where i remember this exact scenario, and i am back in the same place...  the people are different now than they were before, but the attitude is the same... i wonder how it is... this gift of community.  its such a blessing really... or is it a curse.  

anymore i wonder who really really knows the depth of my heart... the reality of it i know it doesn't necessarily matter, i know that God has my heart, and my path under control... i know he knows me inside and out and so much better than i can know myself, and than i can share... but something in me says there is something more... is it that i simply need to share that heart what i understand it to be with him... is it that i'm just confused as to what home is.  i just looked up the definition of the word nomad: 

1. A member of a group of people who have no fixed home and move according to the seasons from place to place in search of food, water, and grazing land.
2. A person with no fixed residence who roams about; a wanderer.

it describes me perfectly.  moves according to the seasons... food, water, shelter... no fixed residence... sometimes i wonder if this is a healthy aspect of my life and personality or if i have so much room to grow yet... i'm sure theres a mix of both... thus here i am with an extremely divided heart... a state of questions and an intense love and desire for people.  some part of me doesn't want these nomadic tendancies, but really at the same time they are a gift... i do know a lot of people.... how well do i let them know me?

christmas...

It is after this christmas that i've resolved not to have too many sentimental attachments... the drama that can be created when something that is of little value to all of the world except you is lost... the threat of being destroyed.  What are the things in my life, in your life that are wasting away... and why is it that we look at them as the most important... 

a griddle, yes a griddle that was misplaced caused the greatest christmastime drama that ever was at our home today.

what is important.  i hear it now.  melody, the melody of love burning deep in our soul.  the deepest heart with an unquenchable joy.  isn't it the truth... we get so tangled up in the past that we don't even know how to walk in today.  it's paralyzing really... the things we hold onto, and as we hold onto nostalgia, we cannot embrace where we are.

but what does that leave to be said about learning from the past... i suppose i just don't want it to hold me from where i am headed, while allowing it to empower me to walk forward...

merry christmas to all and to all a good night.

musings

every once in a grand while it's worth it to stop and think.
something that i've lost touch of, as of late.
Life becomes so busied with the cares worries and joys that i forget how to really live. 
i forget what it is to lay everything aside and listen to somebody.  the spontaneity to forget about what i think is important and to remember what really is.
to really feel pain, and not let the world choke it away, and when i do feel it to honestly with all my gut, admit, "that hurts"  even when it's just your stomach.
to realize the many many blessings i have and not ignore them either...
reflecting on contentment and realizing that there really are content people in the world, and strange as it may seem, i've become convinced the most content people are the poorest people.
isn't this what Jesus said... how much easier it is to serve what really matters when you are not a slave to work or money...
there are way too many things spinning in my head, and soon enough maybe some will be straightened out, but then again, i come back and ask myself... what is faith?  if i'm living a life to honor God completely and my mind is really renewed, then shouldn't i be living in a way that is RADICALLY different and not just really different?
hmmm...

running so long...

Something in this song really hits home... not quite positive why, but i'll let you know if i figure it out... anyways, its by philip larue.

"running so long"

She takes off her halo and throw's it on the floor
Puts her lipstick on and walks out the door and
Looks and the sky and cries "God when you gonna rain on me"?

Yea cuz we all got stories here in this place
But we hide them well with the smiles on our face
But, if you listen closely there's an aching
In everyone's heart

And I have been running so long
I forgot what I was running for
And you've been crying so long
You forgot what you were crying for
I've been running so long
I forgot I was running to you, to you

We'll if time had a face and I guessed his age
Would he let me rewind,
would he let me change
This last year and all those mistakes
But I still love the way you hold me in the night
I love the way you whisper "everything's gonna be all right"
And I am sorry that lately I've lost some faith
In myself and everyone else

But I have been running so long
I forgot what I was running for
And you've been crying so long
You forgot what you were crying for
I've been running so long
I forgot I was running to you,

Wait and in time
We'll see the light breaking through
Can you feel it too?
I need you too

I've been running so long
I forgot what I was running for
And you've been crying so long
You forgot what you were crying for
And I fall like a cannon ball
And hope that you hear me call
I'm falling back it's true
I've been running so long, I forgot
I've been running so long, I forgot
I've been running so long, I forgot
I forgot I was running to you

the love of God.

Over the past month or so i've been OVERWHELMED. I can't quite describe what has happened or what has changed, but like a sudden rush, i've learned and known the love of God.  for ME.   ME? SERIOUSLY? 
I don't quite know that i've ever REALIZED the personalized nature of His love for me.  The moments of thanksgiving that come to mind are stirred by things that would not necessarily matter to you, but to me, they have meant the world.  its amazing to see this intimate touch.  and to recognize it as such...

On a completely different note, do we really and i mean REALLY KNOW what brokenness is???  while i suppose we do to a degree. do we know what it is to have everything ripped out from under us, in reality... not in mind or in heart... but we have so much than God that we are consistently able to trust in, its easy to run to family.  to friends.  to community.  but do we run to the cross.  do we prepare to be persecuted?  do we believe that being a living sacrifice is really an important way to be living?  and if we REALLY believe that, do our lives exhibit that... OR, are we simply a living offering.  i can offer all that i want, but if its not enabling me to NEED God more, is it really a sacrifice?  To me, a sacrifice is something that it kinda hurts to live without...

just a thought.

the sunrise of the soul.

not being a morning person, it is a rare occurrence to see the sun rise... over the past 2 weeks i have seen it rise over the ocean on two separate occasions, in two different situations.  The peace and tranquility of watching sometime mysterious all alone.  Contrasted with the wonder of seeing an every day miracle amongst community.  While i cherish my morning watching the sky be painted by fiery illumination ... there is something sweet found in the presence of others experiencing the same beauty... the same conversion... the same newness.  The peace found in the hours before the world wakes up.  

There is great trust found in stillness... wether alone or with cherished friends.  Isn't it true, that when we hit the pause button in our lives, we are able to really see... Today, i choose to see where God is at work... in so many more places than i have realized.  and moving forward i am ready for the sun to rise in my soul and REALLY BRING THIS NEW DAY....

PTL.

The problem...

"The problem is that we know the end of the story so we don't get amazed in the middle of it ... "

It's a Choice

This verse hit me squarely for the first time today...
"Behold, the man has become like one of us in knowing good and evil. Now, lest he reach out his hand and take also of the tree of life and eat, and live forever— therefore the Lord God sent him out from the garden of Eden to work the ground from which he was taken." (gen 3:22-23)

I never recognized this progression... 

Genesis 2:9
"And out of the ground the Lord God made to spring up every tree that is pleasant to the sight and good for food. The tree of life was in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil."

Genesis 2:16-17

"And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, "You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die."

Genesis 3:22-24
"Then the Lord God said, "Behold, the man has become like one of us in knowing good and evil. Now, lest he reach out his hand and take also of the tree of life and eat, and live forever— therefore the Lord God sent him out from the garden of Eden to work the ground from which he was taken.  He drove out the man, and at the east of the garden of Eden he placed the cherubim and a flaming sword that turned every way to guard the way to the tree of life."

It's a choice . . . Adam & Eve were told they could eat from the trees.  BEFORE THE FALL THEY WERE FREE TO EAT OF THE TREE OF LIFE BUT THEY CHOSE NOT TO.  This never hit me so hard as today.  

Deuteronomy 30 brings the choice back to mind...  choose life and good ... or ... choose death and evil. 

Obey or Disobey.  Simple as that.

Today, we are presented with the same choice.

I wonder how often I pick from the tree of knowledge rather than the tree of life. 
From myself, or the world and humanity thank from Jesus Christ Himself...

Revelation 2, the church of Ephesus.  The church that tested false teachers, and hated the things that God hates, and yet lost their first love... The church i so easily resonate with.  The reward for overcoming... to eat of the tree of life...

Revelation 22... ooh for a glimpse of that...

I hope this draws you right to the feet of Jesus like it has for me...

giving...

what does it mean to give beyond our ability?

see 2 cor 8:3

"money never stays with me.  it would burn me if it did.  i throw it out of my hands as soon as possible, lest it find its way into my heart." - John Wesley
oh boy.  here we go again... He asks for EVERYTHING.

the voice of God in strange places...

So today, I had spent quite a bit of time stressing about an envelope... you got it, a single envelope.  Inside it had a semi-significant amount of cash as well as some keys to my parent's vacation home.  I started searching realizing that if i were to find what i'm really looking for, it was gonna take some work... emptying out my car... going through the entire house... retracing my steps over the past couple days... and hoping that the envelope hadn't fallen out of the car in a place where i wouldn't be able to find it. 

After about 1 hour, I actually had a cleaned out car, but didn't see what i was looking for.  I had gotten so frustrated i began to pray (i know, this, should have been an earlier decision) while praying, the parable of the lost coin came to mind... "am i really seeking God with the same relentlessness as someone seeks a lost treasure?"  My head hung in shame.  as i realized i spent 60 minutes wholeheartedly pursuing an envelope and maybe 10 focused minutes pursuing Him today...
I still continued my search, driving to different places i had parked throughout the week, and began calling, "have you seen this envelope"?  "do you know what i did with it"? as i spoke with someone who remembered me having it a couple days ago, i began to have a little more peace that it was SOMEWHERE, as she was reflecting on where she last saw it, my phone died. 

I arrived to work, knowing the only possible place i could look was somewhere very familiar to me... my jacket pocket.  "but why would it be in there?!" as i walked to my desk to check my jacket, there was an advertisement on my keyboard for geico.  pictured on it was a little wad of cash with eyes staring right at me... the tag line... "It's right here.  It's easy." I found the source of the ad, and asked if it was a joke, or a clue, the truth is, she was clueless that i was even looking for money.  i stuck my hand in the pocket of my jacket which lay a foot away from the advertisement, and there it was...the very thing i spent time searching out...

the moral of the story?!?!

to pursue whole heatedly the kingdom of God, we will end up cleaning things out... the places where we spend our everyday.  sure, the obscure places need to be cleaned, but the place to start is where we reside.  Remember, "He's right here.  It's easy."  so many times we go running here and there... "oh i saw God there once" or, "Everybody says He's over there" again, He's in the place we spend our everyday.  the reason i didn't check my jacket was because i was so familiar with it as i  told someone, " i would know if it was in there... i would have felt it yesterday." Isn't it true... we need our eyes opened every day to see Him at work, we get so familiar with His blessing & grace that we forget where we came from... we forget that there is need to walk in a higher way...and that what we deserve, well... thats round about nothing good.

whilrwind.

wow, there has been quite a bit on my mind and my heart for the past little bit. . . this morning as i awoke, i looked outside and to my surprise (and everyone else's i'm sure!) there was snow...  it was EXACTLY what i needed to see... 

Over the past week or so, i have once again been reminded that i have a major sin issue... EPIC FAIL (defined!) and in the moments where i think about my sin, i totally feel helpless, drowned out and worthless... i began to wonder if God was punishing me with a sickness so i couldn't share the things i have been given with others.  i began to simply distance myself from Him for fear...well and pure tiredness.  yesterday however, i stopped by a friend's house as a surprise visit, we ended up talking for hours... it was as if a giant burden had lifted off my shoulder as we shared our hearts and spiritual journeys with one another.  (regrettably its been a long time since a conversation like that has occurred...as a two way) where had James 5:16 gone from my life?  the power of confession... the release, the acknowledgement of struggle, and the reminder that Christ calls us to PERFECTION... (also see 2 peter 1 -YOURS INCREASING, FRUIT!!!)   anyway... its been rough...and at the same time God has been knocking all along... 

fast forward to this morning, and the snow. . . Isaiah 1:18"Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool."

that dear friends, is a beautiful promise...

"prepare ye the way"

Last night, i was driving... a lot on my mind...
<again> a song came on my ipod, and ended up playing a couple times in a row... (by itself)
the words, "Prepare ye the way of the Lord, Prepare ye the way for the kingdom"
nearly instantly, my mindset changed for the moment, my wandering mind lost track of wherever it was going... i think it was business and money thoughts... and suddenly, it was turned to kingdom thinking... amazing isn't it?  no longer, "how can I MAKE this or that work" but suddenly it was "God, is this possible... to do this for you?" then the examination of my heart... the excitement for things to come, and letting go of things that hold me, namely friendships that i've often been selfish with... realizing the fulfillment of a relationship that may not "benefit" me...but is focused on the other person... that whole "motivation" thing, yep, totally convicted about THAT yesterday... "where's the heart? isn't this REALLY where it starts...?" you know, "where your treasure is, there your heart will be also"  could it be, that when we CHOOSE to place our value on the things of the Kingdom, that then our hearts follow.  it's not an emotional choice... this i must remind myself of over and over again... a disciple... marked by obedience... given to follow... ignoring all else save the call and duty of God... so that's it... prepare the way... forget how to make all the plans and things of earth fall into place... my friends (and myself) invest in eternity...
with grace.

bebo... way to go...

somehow bebo norman songs have a way of speaking my heart...nearly every time...

check it out...
The song is called Drifting...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tiM2JN4VazI'

this time, its not that i feel that I'm not in the "valley place" but in the overcoming place.

Some say home is where the heart is
And my heart is in your hands
You are all I need

Rising from the ashes
Lifted from the madness
Now you see my heart is
Deep enough to dream
Heal me from the deathblow
Lead and I will follow
Now you feel my heart glow
Mending at the seams