Prayer

"one of the best ways, apart from those painful experiences of failure, to learn dependence us to develop the discipline if prayer. This forces us in a tangible way to acknowledge our dependence on the Holy Spirit. This is true because, for whatever else we may say about prayer, it is a recognition of our helplessness and absolute dependence on God." - Jerry Bridges

This hits me really hard in such a good way. So often I think I can only learn from the times I mess up. I can only see growth because I did something wrong. In this case, the only way I realize that I need God is when I do something that screams "ah haha, you left God behind that time."
If Christ can admit "by myself I can do nothing"(John 5:30) who in the world am i to think otherwise? That i have strength to accomplish something. I fail... Yes I fail a lot. The truth is you do to. But if I am living in a place of utter dependence, I am acknowledging He is dependable. As I realize that I need the Holy Spirit to give me every bit of strength I have, and in turn ask for it. then my life would be lived radically different... How about yours?(rhetorical)

if the church was really doing it's job...

how much poverty and need would exist in the world?
in an ideal world, there would be less fear, and more open arms.
in an ideal world, there would be healing and peace.
in an ideal world, there would be hope.
how do you respond when you see hopelessness?

the go to.

community is a fascinating aspect of life.  some part of me would admit to making it an obsession in my life.  most of the time it's for a noble purpose, but every once in a while, i wonder if i build community to find a "go to" mickey has minnie.  harry has sally.  wilma has fred. lucy has ricky.  I have _______ well sometimes it feels like i have no one.  

I spend a lot of my time around people  that have their go to. .. and here i sit musing... is there really a go to in this world?  is there really that one... the phantom of my heart says i he's out there.  but the reality of my situation screams (sometimes with anger at other moments in peace), be content. 
As It is time to make decisions, alas it always is.  Maybe the solution is to stop looking for the go to... the truth is no one on earth will ever totally fulfill that role... it's a heavenly void.

memories...

i spent some time tonight with some old friends.  ones that i haven't seen in a while, but used to spend every waking moment with.  Again i come to the point and ask myself why have i changed... or have they changed?  

I have a friend that often times would use the line "you've been replaced" when she felt a season in friendship was done, it was such a harsh line and i didn't quite know how to handle it at the time, the truth is i still don't... 

i still wonder if i know how to maintain long term relationships.  i suppose i'm seeing more and more the need for them to be two-way, and my fear is honestly that i'm not really on the receiving end all that often...sometimes i suppose i just want to throw in the towel and say "you contact me".  but if i don't pursue friendships, then i honestly don't think i wouldn't have any.  it's such a viscous and selfish cycle really...

seasons change i'm not afraid of that... but at a raw level, i am afraid of being alone.

happy new year

you know what that means?  

a lot of writing, reflecting and looking forward, joys, pains, and celebrations.  last year ended with a celebration.  and now who knows what is on the blank page ahead.  yet, in all of this i wonder, why don't we live with a blank page everyday... 

such joy awaits us...

5 nomadic nights

5 nights and 5 beds 5 families.  there was a season a while back where i remember this exact scenario, and i am back in the same place...  the people are different now than they were before, but the attitude is the same... i wonder how it is... this gift of community.  its such a blessing really... or is it a curse.  

anymore i wonder who really really knows the depth of my heart... the reality of it i know it doesn't necessarily matter, i know that God has my heart, and my path under control... i know he knows me inside and out and so much better than i can know myself, and than i can share... but something in me says there is something more... is it that i simply need to share that heart what i understand it to be with him... is it that i'm just confused as to what home is.  i just looked up the definition of the word nomad: 

1. A member of a group of people who have no fixed home and move according to the seasons from place to place in search of food, water, and grazing land.
2. A person with no fixed residence who roams about; a wanderer.

it describes me perfectly.  moves according to the seasons... food, water, shelter... no fixed residence... sometimes i wonder if this is a healthy aspect of my life and personality or if i have so much room to grow yet... i'm sure theres a mix of both... thus here i am with an extremely divided heart... a state of questions and an intense love and desire for people.  some part of me doesn't want these nomadic tendancies, but really at the same time they are a gift... i do know a lot of people.... how well do i let them know me?

christmas...

It is after this christmas that i've resolved not to have too many sentimental attachments... the drama that can be created when something that is of little value to all of the world except you is lost... the threat of being destroyed.  What are the things in my life, in your life that are wasting away... and why is it that we look at them as the most important... 

a griddle, yes a griddle that was misplaced caused the greatest christmastime drama that ever was at our home today.

what is important.  i hear it now.  melody, the melody of love burning deep in our soul.  the deepest heart with an unquenchable joy.  isn't it the truth... we get so tangled up in the past that we don't even know how to walk in today.  it's paralyzing really... the things we hold onto, and as we hold onto nostalgia, we cannot embrace where we are.

but what does that leave to be said about learning from the past... i suppose i just don't want it to hold me from where i am headed, while allowing it to empower me to walk forward...

merry christmas to all and to all a good night.