whilrwind.

wow, there has been quite a bit on my mind and my heart for the past little bit. . . this morning as i awoke, i looked outside and to my surprise (and everyone else's i'm sure!) there was snow...  it was EXACTLY what i needed to see... 

Over the past week or so, i have once again been reminded that i have a major sin issue... EPIC FAIL (defined!) and in the moments where i think about my sin, i totally feel helpless, drowned out and worthless... i began to wonder if God was punishing me with a sickness so i couldn't share the things i have been given with others.  i began to simply distance myself from Him for fear...well and pure tiredness.  yesterday however, i stopped by a friend's house as a surprise visit, we ended up talking for hours... it was as if a giant burden had lifted off my shoulder as we shared our hearts and spiritual journeys with one another.  (regrettably its been a long time since a conversation like that has occurred...as a two way) where had James 5:16 gone from my life?  the power of confession... the release, the acknowledgement of struggle, and the reminder that Christ calls us to PERFECTION... (also see 2 peter 1 -YOURS INCREASING, FRUIT!!!)   anyway... its been rough...and at the same time God has been knocking all along... 

fast forward to this morning, and the snow. . . Isaiah 1:18"Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool."

that dear friends, is a beautiful promise...

"prepare ye the way"

Last night, i was driving... a lot on my mind...
<again> a song came on my ipod, and ended up playing a couple times in a row... (by itself)
the words, "Prepare ye the way of the Lord, Prepare ye the way for the kingdom"
nearly instantly, my mindset changed for the moment, my wandering mind lost track of wherever it was going... i think it was business and money thoughts... and suddenly, it was turned to kingdom thinking... amazing isn't it?  no longer, "how can I MAKE this or that work" but suddenly it was "God, is this possible... to do this for you?" then the examination of my heart... the excitement for things to come, and letting go of things that hold me, namely friendships that i've often been selfish with... realizing the fulfillment of a relationship that may not "benefit" me...but is focused on the other person... that whole "motivation" thing, yep, totally convicted about THAT yesterday... "where's the heart? isn't this REALLY where it starts...?" you know, "where your treasure is, there your heart will be also"  could it be, that when we CHOOSE to place our value on the things of the Kingdom, that then our hearts follow.  it's not an emotional choice... this i must remind myself of over and over again... a disciple... marked by obedience... given to follow... ignoring all else save the call and duty of God... so that's it... prepare the way... forget how to make all the plans and things of earth fall into place... my friends (and myself) invest in eternity...
with grace.

bebo... way to go...

somehow bebo norman songs have a way of speaking my heart...nearly every time...

check it out...
The song is called Drifting...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tiM2JN4VazI'

this time, its not that i feel that I'm not in the "valley place" but in the overcoming place.

Some say home is where the heart is
And my heart is in your hands
You are all I need

Rising from the ashes
Lifted from the madness
Now you see my heart is
Deep enough to dream
Heal me from the deathblow
Lead and I will follow
Now you feel my heart glow
Mending at the seams

Fire...

So, today I started a fire, we started out with news paper and twigs... feeling that this would fuel it... for some odd reason the twigs (which had been dry for ages) were not catching and the fire quickly died from the paper's quick lighting, but quick death. I had one "fire starter" stick left, i'd say it was about the size of a wooden spoon handle... but the starter got the twigs started and from there we could put dry logs. and then i ran into another dilemma. all the other wood was outside IN THE SNOW... aka: soaking wet and frozen... i brought it into the house, and guess what? it caught fire. WET wood catching fire... my mind raced as i remembered the problem i had with dry twigs a mere hour before... the little dry twigs had not caught, but these big wet logs now have?

isn't it amazing? isn't THAT what community does? whether we are little twigs, or big logs, or even big WET logs, when we are in community with those with a blazing passion, its hard for us NOT to join in! now, as the evening has died down and there's not much need for the fire any longer, i'm left here to think, who am i in the fire beside, and who do i stand as a fire with. its all important, outside we can do nothing, as one force, we can change everything...

home.

what's home anyway?  i sure feel like i don't have one right now... like i've lost "it" whatever "it" was anyway

out of my league...

sometimes lately ive felt quite out of my leauge... not that i konw what it is that is within my grasp, but i wonder if somehow i'm not strengthened by God to accomplish stuff, because i konw its not me... i look at conversations i'm having with teenagers in many facets of life, and realize that they weren't really my words, many times i've just watched the Spirit speak through me... it's really amaazing, it's not me... then there are other moments where i have seen just the right moment... a door open...or a question asked... its beautiful.  so often it is easy to get down on myself, but the truth is i can't...none of this is mine anywy...sealed lips are not fun....

broken.

so i just got off the phone with my mom who informed me that my dad's hand has been broken for over 6 weeks.  here's the story and the spiritual parallel i see...

my dad had slipped on a dock while on vacation and caught his weight on his hand and it didn't feel quite right after that.  he ignored it for a while, then as the pain continued to increase, he felt the need to see a specialist doctor (the type of doctor that it took 6 weeks to get an appointment to see) . . . well, regardless, he went through all this pain, agony and mild complaining for a LONG time. . . waited it out and went to the doctor he took a look at it, said. "you broke your hand" it healed okay enough on its own, no need to re-break it, but it will take therapy to get it working properly again. . . (and let's be honest he lived in un-nessessary pain)

how often is it that our heart hurts, and we don't know why, so we simply ignore it?  we walk around complaining that something is wrong on the inside, but we don't do anything about it... we don't take the procedures that we should when we sense that brokenness straight off, see had dad gone to get an xray straight away, he would have known the diagnosis, and not been worried that something terrible was wrong with his hand (eg: going to a specialist)... isn't it amazing that we have a Great Physician who knows our every pain, and longs to heal it in His own way... yet, if we don't go to Him with the issue, we will walk around with the hurt, we'll tell ourselves its something worse than it is... we'll continue on and on in this terrible cycle... its true... i know i've been there... and we often have to go through that re-breaking cycle...when we FINALLY humble ourselves and go... (could it be because we were soooo stubbornly proud that we couldn't admit need?)  i think this makes sense, i mean it does to me... when you know something is wrong quit trying to mask it...you'll deal with the pain a lot better, you'll be humbler and healed...