the go to.

community is a fascinating aspect of life.  some part of me would admit to making it an obsession in my life.  most of the time it's for a noble purpose, but every once in a while, i wonder if i build community to find a "go to" mickey has minnie.  harry has sally.  wilma has fred. lucy has ricky.  I have _______ well sometimes it feels like i have no one.  

I spend a lot of my time around people  that have their go to. .. and here i sit musing... is there really a go to in this world?  is there really that one... the phantom of my heart says i he's out there.  but the reality of my situation screams (sometimes with anger at other moments in peace), be content. 
As It is time to make decisions, alas it always is.  Maybe the solution is to stop looking for the go to... the truth is no one on earth will ever totally fulfill that role... it's a heavenly void.

memories...

i spent some time tonight with some old friends.  ones that i haven't seen in a while, but used to spend every waking moment with.  Again i come to the point and ask myself why have i changed... or have they changed?  

I have a friend that often times would use the line "you've been replaced" when she felt a season in friendship was done, it was such a harsh line and i didn't quite know how to handle it at the time, the truth is i still don't... 

i still wonder if i know how to maintain long term relationships.  i suppose i'm seeing more and more the need for them to be two-way, and my fear is honestly that i'm not really on the receiving end all that often...sometimes i suppose i just want to throw in the towel and say "you contact me".  but if i don't pursue friendships, then i honestly don't think i wouldn't have any.  it's such a viscous and selfish cycle really...

seasons change i'm not afraid of that... but at a raw level, i am afraid of being alone.

happy new year

you know what that means?  

a lot of writing, reflecting and looking forward, joys, pains, and celebrations.  last year ended with a celebration.  and now who knows what is on the blank page ahead.  yet, in all of this i wonder, why don't we live with a blank page everyday... 

such joy awaits us...

5 nomadic nights

5 nights and 5 beds 5 families.  there was a season a while back where i remember this exact scenario, and i am back in the same place...  the people are different now than they were before, but the attitude is the same... i wonder how it is... this gift of community.  its such a blessing really... or is it a curse.  

anymore i wonder who really really knows the depth of my heart... the reality of it i know it doesn't necessarily matter, i know that God has my heart, and my path under control... i know he knows me inside and out and so much better than i can know myself, and than i can share... but something in me says there is something more... is it that i simply need to share that heart what i understand it to be with him... is it that i'm just confused as to what home is.  i just looked up the definition of the word nomad: 

1. A member of a group of people who have no fixed home and move according to the seasons from place to place in search of food, water, and grazing land.
2. A person with no fixed residence who roams about; a wanderer.

it describes me perfectly.  moves according to the seasons... food, water, shelter... no fixed residence... sometimes i wonder if this is a healthy aspect of my life and personality or if i have so much room to grow yet... i'm sure theres a mix of both... thus here i am with an extremely divided heart... a state of questions and an intense love and desire for people.  some part of me doesn't want these nomadic tendancies, but really at the same time they are a gift... i do know a lot of people.... how well do i let them know me?

christmas...

It is after this christmas that i've resolved not to have too many sentimental attachments... the drama that can be created when something that is of little value to all of the world except you is lost... the threat of being destroyed.  What are the things in my life, in your life that are wasting away... and why is it that we look at them as the most important... 

a griddle, yes a griddle that was misplaced caused the greatest christmastime drama that ever was at our home today.

what is important.  i hear it now.  melody, the melody of love burning deep in our soul.  the deepest heart with an unquenchable joy.  isn't it the truth... we get so tangled up in the past that we don't even know how to walk in today.  it's paralyzing really... the things we hold onto, and as we hold onto nostalgia, we cannot embrace where we are.

but what does that leave to be said about learning from the past... i suppose i just don't want it to hold me from where i am headed, while allowing it to empower me to walk forward...

merry christmas to all and to all a good night.

musings

every once in a grand while it's worth it to stop and think.
something that i've lost touch of, as of late.
Life becomes so busied with the cares worries and joys that i forget how to really live. 
i forget what it is to lay everything aside and listen to somebody.  the spontaneity to forget about what i think is important and to remember what really is.
to really feel pain, and not let the world choke it away, and when i do feel it to honestly with all my gut, admit, "that hurts"  even when it's just your stomach.
to realize the many many blessings i have and not ignore them either...
reflecting on contentment and realizing that there really are content people in the world, and strange as it may seem, i've become convinced the most content people are the poorest people.
isn't this what Jesus said... how much easier it is to serve what really matters when you are not a slave to work or money...
there are way too many things spinning in my head, and soon enough maybe some will be straightened out, but then again, i come back and ask myself... what is faith?  if i'm living a life to honor God completely and my mind is really renewed, then shouldn't i be living in a way that is RADICALLY different and not just really different?
hmmm...

running so long...

Something in this song really hits home... not quite positive why, but i'll let you know if i figure it out... anyways, its by philip larue.

"running so long"

She takes off her halo and throw's it on the floor
Puts her lipstick on and walks out the door and
Looks and the sky and cries "God when you gonna rain on me"?

Yea cuz we all got stories here in this place
But we hide them well with the smiles on our face
But, if you listen closely there's an aching
In everyone's heart

And I have been running so long
I forgot what I was running for
And you've been crying so long
You forgot what you were crying for
I've been running so long
I forgot I was running to you, to you

We'll if time had a face and I guessed his age
Would he let me rewind,
would he let me change
This last year and all those mistakes
But I still love the way you hold me in the night
I love the way you whisper "everything's gonna be all right"
And I am sorry that lately I've lost some faith
In myself and everyone else

But I have been running so long
I forgot what I was running for
And you've been crying so long
You forgot what you were crying for
I've been running so long
I forgot I was running to you,

Wait and in time
We'll see the light breaking through
Can you feel it too?
I need you too

I've been running so long
I forgot what I was running for
And you've been crying so long
You forgot what you were crying for
And I fall like a cannon ball
And hope that you hear me call
I'm falling back it's true
I've been running so long, I forgot
I've been running so long, I forgot
I've been running so long, I forgot
I forgot I was running to you