Fire...

So, today I started a fire, we started out with news paper and twigs... feeling that this would fuel it... for some odd reason the twigs (which had been dry for ages) were not catching and the fire quickly died from the paper's quick lighting, but quick death. I had one "fire starter" stick left, i'd say it was about the size of a wooden spoon handle... but the starter got the twigs started and from there we could put dry logs. and then i ran into another dilemma. all the other wood was outside IN THE SNOW... aka: soaking wet and frozen... i brought it into the house, and guess what? it caught fire. WET wood catching fire... my mind raced as i remembered the problem i had with dry twigs a mere hour before... the little dry twigs had not caught, but these big wet logs now have?

isn't it amazing? isn't THAT what community does? whether we are little twigs, or big logs, or even big WET logs, when we are in community with those with a blazing passion, its hard for us NOT to join in! now, as the evening has died down and there's not much need for the fire any longer, i'm left here to think, who am i in the fire beside, and who do i stand as a fire with. its all important, outside we can do nothing, as one force, we can change everything...

home.

what's home anyway?  i sure feel like i don't have one right now... like i've lost "it" whatever "it" was anyway

out of my league...

sometimes lately ive felt quite out of my leauge... not that i konw what it is that is within my grasp, but i wonder if somehow i'm not strengthened by God to accomplish stuff, because i konw its not me... i look at conversations i'm having with teenagers in many facets of life, and realize that they weren't really my words, many times i've just watched the Spirit speak through me... it's really amaazing, it's not me... then there are other moments where i have seen just the right moment... a door open...or a question asked... its beautiful.  so often it is easy to get down on myself, but the truth is i can't...none of this is mine anywy...sealed lips are not fun....

broken.

so i just got off the phone with my mom who informed me that my dad's hand has been broken for over 6 weeks.  here's the story and the spiritual parallel i see...

my dad had slipped on a dock while on vacation and caught his weight on his hand and it didn't feel quite right after that.  he ignored it for a while, then as the pain continued to increase, he felt the need to see a specialist doctor (the type of doctor that it took 6 weeks to get an appointment to see) . . . well, regardless, he went through all this pain, agony and mild complaining for a LONG time. . . waited it out and went to the doctor he took a look at it, said. "you broke your hand" it healed okay enough on its own, no need to re-break it, but it will take therapy to get it working properly again. . . (and let's be honest he lived in un-nessessary pain)

how often is it that our heart hurts, and we don't know why, so we simply ignore it?  we walk around complaining that something is wrong on the inside, but we don't do anything about it... we don't take the procedures that we should when we sense that brokenness straight off, see had dad gone to get an xray straight away, he would have known the diagnosis, and not been worried that something terrible was wrong with his hand (eg: going to a specialist)... isn't it amazing that we have a Great Physician who knows our every pain, and longs to heal it in His own way... yet, if we don't go to Him with the issue, we will walk around with the hurt, we'll tell ourselves its something worse than it is... we'll continue on and on in this terrible cycle... its true... i know i've been there... and we often have to go through that re-breaking cycle...when we FINALLY humble ourselves and go... (could it be because we were soooo stubbornly proud that we couldn't admit need?)  i think this makes sense, i mean it does to me... when you know something is wrong quit trying to mask it...you'll deal with the pain a lot better, you'll be humbler and healed...

the song of my heart...

frigid colorado, (seriously just saw -2 on the thermometer...)
i wonder if to a degree, it emphasizes my heart at the moment... i wouldn't say i have a deep-frozen heart, but lately i have been letting it get colder and colder... as time with people has taken more of a priority in my life than time with my King.  Yesterday, as i was on the plane, i sat next to an 80+ year old woman who after she saw me put down my book, asked if i was getting enough homework done... the book i was reading called "encouragement"... truth is, i was just getting ready to start my homework with her ;-) she shared she had just had a stroke, but that nothing could keep her from traveling to keep her grandchildren, she was now lame in one leg.  i asked her what was the most important lesson she learned from the stroke and her situation, she said, that she finally realized she needs help, and that she had very much taken things for granted, and now has an attitude of thankfulness... i quietly remembered, sometimes be encouraged the most when someone asks a question and we see the truth within us coming out.  she left with a smile on her face and thanked me for the brief conversation we had...
as i got in the FROZEN car yesterday, the song, Revelation by third day was playing.  i had heard it before but never really let the lyrics sink in... this has been the song of my heart... and again this morning, the song played... its deep, its penetrating, it's my prayer and the words i'm striving to live out the next few days here as i retreat to my guide...

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

Oh, give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

thought.

i was reading through some old writings, and i stumbled across this line in my computer, "isn't it true though that emptiness, is the truest place of fullness"
i reflect on this ... it was written in a time of loneliness, and even though i wouldn't  necessarily put that  label on where I'm at in the moment...  although it is an easy label for me to accept... but it is boggling to read my own words and take them to heart   ... to realize the importance of reliance o n Christ.  this is a continual realization of that need for fullness.  and there is only one place it can be coming from... guess what, i'm ready to take a BIG step of faith tonight.  :D

amazing grace.

this morning i was encouraged to write an add onto the song, amazing grace, so here goes
...

when Jesus opens up my eyes
i see as Father sees.
No more the sin tangled in lies
his blood has set me free.

and i can come before the throne
of grace and i receive
a crown i must lay down
and cry, i give it back to thee

looking back upon my life
i see your hand in mine
you grace again i don't deserve
this is my heart's reply